To let me dangle at a cruel angle…

I am supposed to be sleeping.

Instead dramatic songs run through my head.

And, as always, useless thoughts.

I was telling the story of this weekend to a friend at work.  And I was trying to explain my unease with what has happened.  “I do not DO casual”, I said, “I am lean more intense.  I do not like small talk.  I want genuine connection”.

And that sums me up.  I have always been someone who has people in the inner circle, where I can be 100% me with no fall out or  those not in the inner circle – “casual” –  and then I give 2 fucks about what you think about me.  Which is actually  lie.  I must care because I treat those people politely but with distance.

This is my issue with TE.  We were never casual. Until we made out. And I realize this is not an accurate portrayal as we just got back in touch.  But this is the struggle – I know what we were when we were just friends last year.  So I FEEL the difference.

And I will always fall back on a man who does not make sure you are not out with others really is not interested in you.  And I despise that it brings out the brat in me that wants to prove I have plenty of other shit to be doing.  So immature.

I am remaining mostly zen.  I am just laying is bed and thinking. I figured I would write this down and let it go for the night.  Because I cannot make him act like I want him to.   I hate that I am better off playing some game.  It is stupid to play a game when we used to text all day every day.

41 years old and still ensconced in HS bullshit it feels like.

It occurs to me I am as fragile as I have ever been in my entire life.  I spend my days keeping my emotions in check and it is exhausting. So the above lack of care of me as a whole person really sets me off right now.  And I can understand he has his own issues to deal with.  But no one else is going to care for me, so I have to be my own zealous protector right now.

**

This is the best thing I have ever written about myself (to Shop Owner)

And I like this version of me, she is perfectly imperfect.  She is fiercely loyal and surrounded by amazing people.  She loves really hard, works really hard, and has so much joy and laughter in her life.  She cherishes the small things and lives in awe of the world

I want to find her again.

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More writing

No word from TE.  I am halfway to putting myself back on T!nder because I am bored.  M@tch is not working for me.

Work was a real fuck nugget a few weeks ago.  Like $55K was walking out the door.  I have managed to get $20K of that back on track.  Another $4K (new).  And possibly another $15K in the works.  Not a bad way to end the year, with a $30 to $40K month.  I need it because the tax man would like his money NOW!

With that $20K coming back (although 3 weeks away) I am going to hunt for a gym this week.  I have not worked out most of the year (hello, fake menopause) and I am squishy.  Well, squishier than normal as I am always squishy.  Debating going back to the barre classes (my knees hate some of the moves), trying a new barre company, or doing a boxing based circuit training. There might be other options, but those are what come to mind to start.

I have been doing yoga, but the classes are an hour and a half. And getting home at 9 pm does not really work for me.  I will look for other options with that, as in my perfect dream life I am a yoga badass.  And look like it.  Ha!

I hate the time change.  I get tired at 6.  And then WIDE AWAKE at 10.  I am going to crawl into bed now and try to unwind and see if that works.  🙂

Breakups

Breakups are hard in this day and age.   As #1 stalker (from my couch) it is way to easy to see what is going on and really hurt for those people.

  1. Tatt Exec – I could almost track his breakup (and then her engagement to someone else – eeek!)
  2. The Shop Owner – has been dating a very cute mom of a teenage.  FB tells me she liked his pic on 10/20.  And 10/3 she used a pic from their Hawaii vacation as her cover page.  And I just saw him on m@tch.  “Active in the last 24 hours”.  Ouch.
  3. The one that got away and his wife. I can smell the drama from here.  He blocked me (wtf?) and locked down his page.  But hers still says she lives somewhere else.  Although it publicly states she is married.  Makes me wonder if she saw his comments on my pictures?  Dunno.  Shrug.
  4. The Tattoo Attorney’s wife is still posting a few things publicly as well.  Stop pissing on him honey.  I am glad it all worked out.  He fucked me with no condom BTW.  Might want to get yourself tested.

I am sure there are more…..but the Shop Owner stunned me.  Reading back through those posts I realize how much I liked him.

**

I broke down and texted.  The reply was….meh.

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Shooting stars

I had a party to attend and I asked the Tattoo exec to join me.

Quick background.

So what has happened since all that?  His mother passed away.  He dated someone and got them pregnant (which was somehow taken care of).  He contacted me.  Then I dreamed about him.  He wants drinks and I put him off for about a month until I need a date for a party.

On the way there I see a shooting star and I think “I want to have an amazing time/connection with TE”.

I saw a shooting star on my way to see you

Things are a little crunchy when I pick him up.  We do the party real quick and then head to a bar near the Lake.  We talk about his mom, his depression about it (delayed as he has been dealing with her estate),  blah blah blah.  He  talks about redheads and how independent they are.  Me mentions how his phone is blowing up with options to get laid.  He says one of his gals told him he is depressed because she offered sex and he turned it down. He said it would be too much drama (which now makes the night make more sense, so I will explain).

I drive him home and he goes to hug me and then things get a tiny bit awkward.  I am not totally sure if I pulled away or what but he stops and tells me “I was going to kiss you”.

My brain does a little WTF but I let him. And it is soft and sweet.

We go in to his immaculate apartment and sit on the couch and listen to old school rap.  We make out more.  It is not super passionate.  It is mildly erotic but mostly comforting I think.

He grabs a boob and runs his hand over my crotch a few time, but again, it is not super aggressive.

I finally go home.  He does not walk me to my car which you know is my pet peeve.

And I have felt weird about it since.  Super off.  I think I am figuring out why.

We had a great connection last year.  Like amazing and we talked all the time about everything.  And when I saw him, we talked about everything.  But after making out?  I have had 2 texts that equal 3 words.

My interpretation of what is going on?

He wants independent because he wants a fuck buddy with no maintenance required.

He has a redhead thing so potentially I am a notch in a belt.

It could be that he wanted to fuck me so bad last year and held back that he is trying now?

None of this makes me feel good.   It reminds me that I want to feel cared for.  Were there moments that night?  Sure. He made sure I got a drink and found a cool spot in a hot bar so I would not melt.  But now?  No, I feel like I have been forgotten or, well, not important enough to think about.

I do not want a fuck buddy.  At all.  I get too attached and it just depresses me.  I want a partner.  Someone who cares for all of me. Someone who is ok with not being independent all the time.

I need to stop allowing this to run through my head.  I can admit to being curious to know what it would feel like to be near him and now I know.  Did it potentially ruin what could be a good friendship?  Probably.  I do not think it was hot an heavy enough that he would want a repeat.  So, I need to let it go (does anyone else STILL sing the Frozen song with they say this?).

There were things said (pre-makeout) about dinner and then a trivia night.  But I am not hopeful that those will happen.  I need to let that go to – the hope.  Because as a girl there is always hope and we know it ruins us.

Boring but posting

Life is dull. But I think I want to post more.  Then maybe I will find remember the fun and the good times I do have instead of feeling like all I do is hide.

I need to branch out and make new friends. I need real ones.  I have real ones but they are not local.  Having lost my 2 best friends to their fucking…..I am sort of lost.

I need people to force me to go out.  Because my default is to stay home in my pjs.

The good?  I am feeling better!  Finally!  I think I need to find a way to work out.  The time change is not helping that, nor is the fact that I am BROKE.

The bad?  Work got fucked.  I do not even want to rehash it all.  But I went from making $200K to maybe $140K.  Is that bad? Only because I have nothing saved (bought a car cash which was necessary) and have not paid any 2015 taxes yet.  Sigh….the pipeline is there.  I should be ok.  But I made some financial decisions based on the fact that I was going to have money coming in and it fizzled.

Gratitude?  I need to feel grateful. Which is not easy when I am probably in the middle of PMS.  😉  So what am I grateful for?  The rain yesterday.  We need it.  Getting things done for the class I have now taken twice (work based).  Coloring.  If you try this DO NOT look on Pinterest for what others are doing.  But I am loving blending (4 types of) colored pencils and creating pretty things.  Am I super artsy? Not really.  I had talent when I was younger. I might take something up again.  My sex drive is back?  Or it was.  PMS = meh but this month I did feel normal.

Double sided betrayal

I have spent a lot of time thinking about my supposed best friend and N.  I debate if I am in the wrong.  I wonder if I am the horrible person.

What I am is someone who values trust and loyalty.  And when I realize I have been used?  It has to be over.  I cannot go back.

So, for posterity, here are the things that have run through my mind.

-She uses men. She will SWF herself into their lives.  How did she do this?  She co-opted my movie nights with him.  She acted like she was excited about these movies. But then when alone with me?  She would not watch them.

-She did not tell me she was thinking about dating him or fucking him or whatever.  She just did it.  Who does that? In their 40’s?  Who does that to their best friend?  What psychotic narcissist does that?  Oh….wait….answered my own question.

-She told him to break up with his current gf.

-Him.  He used me to get to her.  The last year of my life, every time he asked to hang he wanted to see her.  And that hurts.  It hurts more than I can put into words.

-Again, he chose a woman that means I am cut out of his life. And I have to see the pattern and realize he is not the friend I thought he was.

-Ironically, she mentioned to me that she thought the last gf was trying to cut me out of his life.  She was angling to get me to push the breakup.  Fucking. Cunt.

What I need to do is mourn and move on.  I need to really think about why I let these types of people into my life.  I DO have friends that are real and supportive. I need to really lean into those friendships (and I have) and make some new friends.  Which is an awesome idea when my body is in a constant state of PMS.

But it IS time to cry it out and let it go.  I cannot change the past.  I was open and trusting with these people and they chose these paths.  I consider it betrayal. They consider it Friday night, what’s the big deal?

I may compose some letters and post them here.  I do not want to engage.  I just want peace.  —————–

In other news:  The One that got away blocked me on FB.  For no apparent reason that I can see.  And the Tattooed Exec and I chatted briefly this week.

The chronic illness is back with 2 episodes in the last month.  And a yeast infection, probably from not having my period in 3 months. And a horrible break out that drove me to the dermatologist.  My poor body is miserable.  I am doing my best to get it back to healthy.

Menopause

I am 41 years old and 9 months.  And in the last 4 months my body has gone from normal straight into menopause.

I went from horny to “sex?  meh”.  I am exhausted all the time.  I have no energy.  No joy.  Foul mood all the time.  On the edge of tears all the time.

I have skipped 2 periods of the last 5.  I am convinced one of my ovaries has given up the ghost.  I went in and was told perimenopausal but my hormones are about non existent.

Fuck.

I thought I had more time.

 

When you wonder who your friends are

My best friend walks in tonight with dinner.  I look through movies and ask her what she wants to see.  “Or we could talk about new developements in my life….” she says.

“Like what?”

“Like that I fucked N last night”.

.

.

.

N is my male best friend.  I lost him for 10 years when he was married to a manipulative piece of shit.  He is still in the process of divorce.  She was a smart woman.  She got rid of me because I would see through her bullshit.

I am not happy.  In fact, I start to cry.  Not a good response, but I am currently being tested for perimenopause and my emotions are already at the breaking point.

“You’ve made it clear you don’t want him” she says.

Right.  But I also do not need you to step in and take him again.  I do not need the only time I see him, that time when I include you, to now be your dates and I am the third wheel.  I do not need to skew my friendship with him.  I do not need to lose the open communication because the juicy stuff now has to do with her.  And I do not need to lose my privacy with both of them as pillow talk makes lips loose.

According to her she deserves this after what she has been through (manipulative ex).  What she forgets is he was married.

She had to have J even though she was married.

She moved J into her swanky address and her husband into J’s shitty condo.

ENTITLED.

Fuck this.  Fuck her.  Fuck it all.

For posterity

The one that got away.

Let’s run through this quick.

This weekend I was out in the city and drunk and posting on fb a lot. He was commenting away on some pics.

This created curiosity.

He friended me July 5th.

He posted this Aug 2. (About divorce)

He and his wife have pics of them out (but not touching or in the same pic) July 3rd.

July 2nd is the last time he commented on one of her posts.  She has not commented on one of his in forever.

I pulled her up today and her page says she lives 40 mins away.  Huh.

She has also dropped his last name which had me freaking out, but google caching shows me she still had the last name on July 16th

I am sure there is more, but fuck it.  Something is going on.  And if he pulls me into it I am going to go postal

XXXXX

Meanwhile the supposed ex of the attorney is posting that they had a vacation for just the two of them and now with the whole family.  WHAT THE FUCK?????

I give up.  I really, really give up.