Asking for what you want

I have never been good about stating my own needs.  Until I found fetlife.  Because I could type out what I wanted.

This is not my first excursion into kinky sex.  But this is the first time I am asking for what I really really want.

I am busy.  Over worked and stressed.  And I want release.  So I asked to be a pillow princess.  No reciprocation.  I want to lie there and enjoy.  I want to be massaged and caressed and nibbled and licked and fingered.

And I got it.

He did something amazing.  He laid his head against one leg, with his face very near my pussy.  And with one very wet finger he just stroked my clit.  Forever.  And if I could have that every day my life would be complete.  It was calming exctasy.  It did not make me cum, although if I directed more it may have.  But it just put me into a relaxed state of bliss.

I may never see him again but oh how I loved it.  I am still throbbing from it.

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2015 to 2016

Does anyone else look back at who they were 12 short months ago and wonder who that person is?  What a year!  I am amazed that I can experience the best year of real estate I have ever had (like a good 2X better than the last best year) and at the same time have my body completely shut down on me. I can experience such deep connections with some people in my life while realizing I have to let others go.  I learned such amazing lessons this year in every area of my life – about trust in other people, trusting the outcome, trusting the path will show itself, trusting in karma, and most importantly trusting myself.  2016, for me, will be about balance, connecting on a deeper level with those I love, creating new relationships with people on my same path, and continuing to grow my business.  Cheers, 2016, I am ready for you!

I would have posted this to FB but it will not let me copy and paste from an outside document. Let’s assume that means it is not meant for pubic consumption by my friends.

Maybe this can be my best selling book?

I felt good for quite  a few months.  Well, maybe not good.  But better.  The hippy doc vitamins were working.

But this month they failed me big time.

I missed another period.  I am a raging pile of angst and tears and anger and depression.  I am no fun.

I am not me.

But I am hell bent on getting back there.  Fake hormones, antidepressants….I do not care.  I want to feel better because this sucks ass.

When I come out the other side maybe it will be a good enough story for a book.  Haha!

42

In an hour and 15 minutes I turn 42.  I’d be 3 hours younger if I were home.

I’ve made my bday private on fb.  I expect to hear from 3 people.  And if I don’t, that is ok.

It isn’t often you realize how alone you are.  And I guess that is ok too.  I am lonely and that is not ok.  

This  year brought me the failure of my body and if I take anything from 41 it has to be to take better care of me.  That starts the moment I get home.

It brought me clarity on my friendships and realizing who cares about me and who cares about what I can do for them.

A good year.  Not a great year.  I want to make 42 a better year.

 

Finding center

I think my 2016 resolution needs to be to stop with the FB stalking.  Delete all the links, the bookmarks and just not give  a fuck anymore.

**

Ex bf posted a shirtless pic of himself.  WTF?  Too old. Not hot enough.  And who works out in jeans?

**

Tattoo Exec is def friends with the gf again.  And it makes it easier to let it all go.  If he wants to be friends with that mess (or more than friends) and not someone like me then he is not someone I need in my life.

**

I had a date last night with a the Engineer Biz Exec.  48.  Bald.  5’11 (heh….I am not so convinced).  Owns a home (finally).

We had a good phone convo this week.  But he told be about all the of “beautiful” women he has been out with.  So he is surfacey.  Which is so not me.

We met after his xmas party and an ugly sweater party I was attending. He was sort of a dick.  Very brusque.  Talked about being a hardass at work too much.  Told me the same stories of how many eligible women were not on M@tch (very engineer like, data mining, stats, etc.)  Asked me multiple times what I was doing this weekend but did not want to make plans.  He had half a glass of wine which was lame.  I had a glass of sparkling.  So we were out for an hour.

He wants one of those gals who look amazing and get the rich husbands.  He wants a trophy wife.  Except he does not want to be used for his money.  He wants the smart trophy wife with a career.  A good career.  Snort.  Good luck with that.  I am sure they exist but I am not sure how many he will find.

Walked me to my car and was totally checking out my ass when I was opening the door. Whatever.

I did not look up his house or how much he paid or who his agent was.  Yay me.  No stalking!

**

Sigh….yeah, maybe it is time to delete it all.  The thing is none of it makes me feel better.  So fuck it.  Let it all go.  Let them all go.

Misery

How does one become happy when they are not feeling it?

I am lonely yet annoyed with most people.  I am looking for someone to fill the hole and I know no one can. *I* have to fill the holes.  I have to make myself feel better.

Ugh.  Meditation?  Journaling gratitudes?

**

Air from the Tattoo exec.  I am 99% sure his ex gf is back on his FB.  He is all over someone else’s page.

I need to let that go.  The timing was not right so it is not right.  Move on.

**

The heart RN is AWOL.

And there is no one else.

I need to meet new people.

A little more….

The Ex BF….

He met someone quickly after we broke up.  And married her.

Looks like they are splitting up as well.

Damn.  Maybe I am better off being single.

**

Actually, in looking again, she changed her name back to her maiden name.  So….yeah.

He contacted me through Linked in like a year ago.  And I sooooo wanted to send him a response that said “Sorry your marriage is in trouble.  Right before we broke up you went to Vegas to make up with your ex-wife. Seems you have a pattern.”

SO WISH I HAD!!

FL

I started here because I thought it would breed connection.

A dynamic that could allow me to let down my guard.  Let you see the real me.  And hope that you could take care of her in some small way that I seem unable.

I had a glimpse of it with my first experience in this world.   He asked the right questions, he listened, seemed to know when to press forward and when to let me have my way.  He could read me in a way almost no one else has.  I found myself saying things I did not realize were true until they were spoken.  I could feel myself breaking open and it was terrifying and painful and exactly what I need.

He was not what I needed, unfortunately.  And we parted friends and drifted away.

But it left me craving.

And here I am trying to recreate that.  I am not patient.  I spread my attention too thin and get too easily overwhelmed.  I project this strength when in reality my head is spinning and I no longer remember what my souls needs.

Do I need a break?  To redefine?  Align my actions with my goals?  Yes.

To remember to be happy being me. In my life. And not worry about what is missing or where I might find it.

It is time to let go.

 

Coming in second

So The Brother was home this weekend.  And true to form, the rest of the family ends up in a fight because of it.

He is the golden child.  Makes gobs of money, never visits, and is a judgy asshole.  I was instructed to attend a lunch.  Which I did.  I then begged off dinner, since I was not originally invited but more of asked last minute. And I had other shit to do.

And now, one day later I am getting texts from my mother that my father feels like I never spend time with him.  I SAW HIM YESTERDAY.

I also took 2.5 days to spend with them TWO WEEKS ago when his sister was in town. How much time do most 40 year old people spend with their parents?

Mind you he does not call ME.  But I am expected to spend some amount of time in his presence, while he either talks about running (his only topic of conversation) or have him ignore me while reading or watching tv.

 

 

12
3
4

 

Could she be any more plain? Well, yeah, he is having this melt down because brother bored us. So, now it is your turn to fill in the voids he left.

I have spent 40 years being the one to make things right.  And I just do not give a fuck anymore.

History – The Rapper

Below are all the posts from my old blog about the Rapper.  BMG.  It took me all day to realize it was Bathroom Makeout Guy.  Oy.

Here is what I remember – first date.  Truly drunk.  I leaned over and kissed his neck.  We made out in the bathroom of a dive bar.  We then went at it in my car and it was amazing.  I chose to not stay.

Second date was a half date and he got weird.

More details below but I know it totally ended when I was out at an event in SF with burlesque dancers and spoken word and I think I texted him and told him to fuck off because he should have been there with me – we would have enjoyed it.  And he had deleted my number or something because he essentially told me off after that.  Told me he would call the cops.  For a text message?  Motherfucker I am not stalking you.

Feb 21, 2010

The first m@tch date?  Wow.  He is 39, has the same taste in old rap as me and is so freaking cute.

Another drink and I may have just eloped with him last night, it was that good.

He texted me on my way home…”Um….so, chemistry, huh?”

Sigh.  Wow.

 ***************************************************

Feb 21, 2010

My faith has been restored.  I need to remember it IS about chemistry.  Chemistry and a shitload of booze.

After the Political Lecturer last week I was having a real “chat” with myself about maybe being too picky.  I was starting to think I was truly damaged.  Here is a perfectly good guy – well employed, attractive, attentive and into me – and I wasn’t interested.  The truth is my gut knows what my head cannot figure out.

I was not myself last night.  He did it right – we did not talk first.  There were a few emails and IM’s.  Added each other on f@ceb**k for a freak check.  I had absolutely no expectations of him or myself.  With the hot doctahh we had had some really good emails and phone conversations.  He kept telling me he was excited to meet me.  It was hard to live up to an expectation while keeping your own in check.

There were no expectations last night.  It might have lasted an hour.  It ended up lasting almost 6.

Here is the really horrifying and hilarious part – I remembered while drying my hair today.  Right after last call he pulled me into a dark bathroom and we made out against the wall.  THAT IS SO NOT ME!!!  But holy fuck was it fun and sorta hot.  He admits it was “tacky…but kinda hot”.  It has been a long time since I just let go.  It was a good feeling.  And I am not even feeling weird about it.  Again….so not me.

And I am fully aware I know almost nothing about this person and I have nothing other than last night.  But even if that is it….SO worth it.  So worth it to feel like that again.  Worth it to know I was 100% myself last night and someone was into it.  So worth it to know there might be others out there with my love of offbeat music and random shit.

I am allowing myself what I never do – excitement.  No second guessing.  I am just riding this out – whatever happens happens.

**********************************************

Feb 21, 2010

This one is not screwing around.  I got a text on my way home last night.  A few this morning, a few this afternoon.  He wanted to call later but I am going to bed.

So he wants to do something mellow tomorrow.

*************************************************

Feb 22 2010

So tonight was big date #2.

Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbt.

I bought beer because I hate going somewhere empty handed.  And brie and crackers.

He wanted to play scrabble.

He puts on a movie.  I am sort of confused.  He barely looks at me.  His hands are in his lap.  I am beating the crap out of his cat.

I finally say – you are quiet tonight.  He is sick.  I am like, ok, I will go.  Not yet, he says.

15  minutes later it is so obvious I need to leave.

He walks me to my car and asks me to text him when I get home.  Only my phone is dead.

So I send a f@ceb**k email.

He is now on f@ceb**k and not sending anything back.

Not sure what the hell happened.  I am not upset.  It is what it is.

*********************************************

Feb 26, 2010

One of my friends thinks I am cursed.

I am the only girl I know who consistently has boys eaten by zombies and disappear for what appears to be no reason at all.

She also thinks I may have a split personality that only comes out on dates and scares them away.

I promise I was not neurotic or bitchy or hard to handle with the last one.  Promise.  I was exactly how you are supposed to be when you meet someone you think you want to know better.  Not awkward.  But relaxed.  I was excited.  I was flirty but not trashy (except for the bathroom thing)

Another one gone.

I honestly, honestly have no idea what the hell happened.  I am bummed.  Probably less about it not working out than I am about being cursed.

What the fuck is wrong with me?  I mean there has to be something major that I just do not see, right?

*********************************************

Feb 27, 2010

I have always believed in a few simple things.  Thought out, long, wordy mantras do not work for me.  I like one word.

Timing.

Momentum.

Those are two I can think of.  Oh!

Vodka.  That is a good one!

And funny how all of these have to do with dating!

I did not hear from the BMG until last night.  I had to send another text and he responded that he was sick and had slept all day.  I offered to bring “stuff” should he need it.  No response.

This sucks.  Because it ruins the momentum that started with chemistry.  Changing the movement tends to make me turn into that neurotic girl I do not like being.  I am not there yet, but I can feel it creeping in.

And timing.  He is sick AND decided to give up smoking this week.  So he feels like shit from a virus and he feels like shit from withdrawal.  This means his body is not going to send all those lovely little hormones where they need to be so we can feel all excited and hot for each other.

I was bummed yesterday.  I was bummed that it was not turning out like I wanted it to.  And I do not mean in the “he is the one thing” I mean more of “I like how I am right now and I like how I feel and I want to explore this and I am in a place where that seems possible without sabotaging myself.”  That was wordy and retarded.  But I am running on fumes, so please forgive me for being less than succinct.

I’m torn.  Do I move forward?  I have possible plans (no dates but he will not know that) tonight and tomorrow.  Do I reach out to some other guys?  I can.  The only one I was interested is has had my number for 5 days and has not called…..so, I am not so into it now.  Do I chill out and wait?  Maybe. If I have not heard from him in some significant way by Saturday then I can assume it is over.

****************************************************

March 1 2010

I cannot stop thinking about him.  It does not help that his f@ceb**k is open and I *get* everything he says.  Hilarious.  He is performing.  I do the same.

What do I do?  I am not really ready to let it go.  But….uh….I have read “he is just not that into you”.

Fuck….did I overreact?  I don’t think so.  I did come home Friday and de-friend him (thank you vodka, I love you).

Part of me wants no regrets.  But I am not sure what that would entail.

Sigh.  I hate this fucking shit.  It makes me want to give up and just own single forever.

*****************************************************

March 9 2010

I won’t go into details but f@ce**k is the best stalking device ever.

Right as things fall apart with BMG, there was some Betty Paige type that is suddenly all over his fb.  I watched, because his page was open, even after I booted him from my page.  She was all over his shit.

And now?  2 weeks later?  She is gone.  Totally gone.

So, the moral of the story if regardless of how perfect he might have seemed?  He is the broken one, not me.

I am still bummed, but not as much.

****************************************************

March 15 2010

Turlie, a very good friend who can say anything to me and I will know it is with love and concern, says I need to “stop looking”.

And for the most part I agree.

The problem is I have not been looking for 36 years and it has gotten me almost nowhere.

I am not looking.  I am browsing.  But I am not trying to make every peg fit the hole (sounds dirty!!).  I have no agenda.  I am not in love with love.  I am not on a mission for marriage and babies.  I do not need a boyfriend to feel complete.  I don’t need a boyfriend an all.  I am ok if I end up alone forever, I would just prefer that not be the case.

Mostly this comes at a time when my friends no longer want to do much.  I am not going to meet someone at work, and I am not going to meet someone in a bar since I never go to them anymore, and I suck at being set up.  So, this is a form of entertainment.  I can go out, have a drink, maybe have a story to tell you the next day.

The biggest issue as I see it is that I do not want what other girls want.  I do not want to be taken care of – I want someone to have my back.  I don’t want the material items for they come and go.  I want a partner – in every sense of the word.  And I am open to what package that comes in.  And I am open to the concessions required of me when it is “right”.  Most guys have no idea what to do with me if I am not going to be impressed with their paycheck, vacation spot, job, watch or car.

Which is why I was thrown for such a loop when the first m@tch date I go on turns into perfection.

I had no idea someone could be such a good fit.  And I know that there are levels I did not see, but in 36 years of dating (ok…20 years?) that was in the top 3 of chemical reactions to another person.  The Hot Doctahh being one and some guy named Peter that I met when I was 24ish.  I think Peter wins the chemistry prize and BMG comes in second.

Funny enough – not one of those instances got to a third date. (That statement is going to haunt me for weeks)

Before that date, I was at a point of talking myself into settling.  I have written off men for more reasons than I can count.  And in an effort to not be alone forever I started thinking maybe I was the one who is all sorts of fucked up.  What was wrong with me that I prefer single to being spoiled?  That I cannot handle someone “showing off” with what they can provide for me?  What is my issue with being taken care of?  The thought of it creeps me out.

The Hot Doctahh said I thought I was cool.  And I did not agree.  But after a year of thinking about it, he is right.  Cool is not the right word – I want credit for my diverse knowledge and skill set.  I want someone who can appreciate that I can sing along to obscure hip hop from the mid-1990’s, know about art, can run my own business, and do not need them.  And I want to be understood.  I want someone to appreciate my quirks.  I want someone who “gets” me.

I have never wanted to be wanted for my looks or sex appeal.  I wanted to be wanted for my sense of humor, conversation, my brain, my music collection.  Whatever.  I want to be adored.  But only by someone I adore.  I want to be someone’s muse just as they inspire me.  I do not need the 2.25 kids and the picket fence if it means I am living the life I want to live with the person that truly, truly lights my fire.

So, no, I am not really looking.  My expectations are non existent.  Another reason I was so surprised.  Nothing about that evening was what I thought it was going to be.  And I loved that.  My mind is open.  There is no agenda.  I mean, I KNOW this is not how I am going to meet someone that sticks.  But what else do I have to do right now?

*******************************************************

March 21, 2010

I went on another date Friday.  LAME.  Went home and changed my profile adding in:

While I look all junior league and play at “suburbia” very well, there is an undercurrent that longs for different, more, change. I know all the dirty hip hop lyrics. I think that Buble guy is a hack. I like street art and Michelangelo’s David. I crave new experience.

and:

I am not looking for the norm. Conservative, buttoned up, proper – NOT gonna do it. I spend time with people who are interesting, say what they think, do what they want and could care less what “they” say. I am looking for that person who’s quirks make sense to me.

Wanna know why I changed it?

Well one was a date that was just not going to work.  He was a bit condescending and sort of a jackass.  The other is I read BMG’s profile which he has updated.

One line:

“I’m a contradiction in pretty much every way. Yeah, I have alot of tattoos, but I’m also very politically-minded”

Which is interesting as THIS is the email I sent 18 days ago:

“getting to know someone who is as much of a contradiction as I am (I mean tats and politics….really?)”

THEN?!  THEN?!  THEN?!  That motherfucker put on his f@ceb**k he is moving to OAKLAND.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??!!   Oakland is MY place.  That is where I want to move.  It is the first thing out of my fucking mouth.

THAT MOTHERFUCKER IS STEALING MY SHIT!!

So, I called him out on the profile.  I know he will not respond, but he needs to know I know he is stealing my shit.

****************************************

March 23:

BMG just called my cell.  I knew he would not know who sent him the text.  Asshat.

He did not leave a message.  Shocking.