A little more….

The Ex BF….

He met someone quickly after we broke up.  And married her.

Looks like they are splitting up as well.

Damn.  Maybe I am better off being single.

**

Actually, in looking again, she changed her name back to her maiden name.  So….yeah.

He contacted me through Linked in like a year ago.  And I sooooo wanted to send him a response that said “Sorry your marriage is in trouble.  Right before we broke up you went to Vegas to make up with your ex-wife. Seems you have a pattern.”

SO WISH I HAD!!

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So tired. So annoyed. So used.

What a fucking waste.

The short version.  He says we need to do more date like stuff.  He asks me out of town this weekend.  He is 3 hours late (he did call but not til the time we were supposed to meet – I had not left the house).

I reach over and scratch his back. I reach out.  He does not.  He asks a lot of questions about what I do/like, but I get the feeling he isn’t really listening.

He tells me about the music.  And he seems to have traction.  The trip out of town would be to go record in a beach town.  It sounds lovely.

We discuss my business.  We discuss why his house is not in his name (his former in-laws are on title to avoid drama with the ex.  Whatever.  So many stories.  So many things that NEED explanation.  Nothing in my life needs to be explained).

He keeps saying “we” are nervous.  I am not nervous I keep telling him.  Not at all.  I am tired but I am not nervous.  WHY is he so nervous?

We go back to his house and he says I can spend the night and he will be a gentleman.  I change and wash my face. And finally I reach over and sort of shove my hand under him wanting contact.

He reaches over and softly starts messing with a boob.  It feels good but I tell him he has not even kissed me.  He grabs my hand and has me touch his cock which I am not really into.

He is then on me, kisses me twice and is frantically thrusting against me.  He keeps trying to get in my pants and he FINALLY realizes I am not fucking him even though I have said it over and over.

He gets snotty.  “We’re adults”.  “I haven’t had sex in 4 months and I wanted you to be the first.”  “Obviously we do not connect this way.” “I have had 50 opportunities to get laid in the last 4 months and I waited for you”.   The message is fuck me now or lose your chance.  There was no romance in the physical exchange and the words are said with a tone that implies I am disappointing.   My head is spinning.  Just like The Man.  Just like The Ex.  He is going to manipulate and guilt me until he gets what he wants.

And then the most telling:  “I don’t owe you anything and we could fuck and I could never call you again”.

Ding ding.  Or I could not fuck you and still never hear from you again.  Either way I am not going to be coerced into something.  Not when you have made almost no move to put me in the mood.

He does not want to be close, he wants to fuck.  It is a function, not something we are sharing or experiencing together.  I am a ride and he put his token in and he is not getting what he thinks he deserves.

What I wanted was to be close.  I wanted to feel some sort of intimacy. I wanted something that felt real.  I wanted his arms around me and matching our breathing while spooning.  And there was none of that.  Is it him?  Is it a product of the drug recovery?  Is he just a user and I was the choice for some fucked up reason?

I keep asking why me.  WHY ME?  He has 1000 facebook friends and 2000 people following him on his rapper page.  WHY ME?  Why waste the time on me?

He wanted me to text him when I got home.  I yelled at BFF the whole way home and did not feel it was necessary to text him anything.  He could have been cool and let me stay.  He could have done a hundred things that didn’t scream DICK.

Doogie Howser moment:  He just gave me the gift of knowing I escaped in 2010.  He would have ruined me back then.  I am stronger and way more sure of what I want, what I deserve and who I am.  I need to know sometimes you do not get what you want but what you need.

Everything and Nothing.

Nothing is going on.

The Ex (not the last guy but the one before) got married this weekend. I have not been on a date in a month.

I have suitors.  I am not interested in any of them.

I should “date”.  I am not good at it.  I am not one that is good at casual.  And maybe that is my lesson this year.  To just hang.  And allow someone to make themselves stand out from the pack.

I think I am a little depressed.  I think I should actually pull myself from the sites and just enjoy the rest of the year.  But that feels like wasting time.

Happy Happy Joy Joy. Or not.

I should be drying my hair.

The last post (that I just made public) was almost 2 weeks ago.  Things are better.  He finally gets it.  I have had to have a few meltdowns to get him to understand but I think he gets it.

And he is still here.  The dog goes to work with him now.  And he spent 4 days in a kennel giving me a break I really needed.

Things are actually pretty good.  In a major fit of PMS I might have had a breakdown this weekend when he told my best gf he really liked her dress.  Meanwhile I have a new dress, new jewelry, fantastic hair and get no real comment.  :-/

Exhaustion and hormones made me ask him if I am really what he wants?  Or does he want someone more like my gf who molds herself into what her partner wants?  Someone who will adore him and not ask questions?  Someone who wants him more than anything in the world?  Because that is not me.  I want “us”, not him.

Anyway, this got me thinking at work the next day about what I want.  He keeps saying I am holding back.  He says I pick a fight the moment things go too well for awhile.  And he might be right.  What do *I* want?

Am I afraid of locking myself into something?  Am I concentrating on the bad more than the good?  Do I want different?

I think we need to have a talk.  And I just do not know when.  I wanted to chat last night but he had some things he needed to do for his mother.  Tonight is his night out and tomorrow in the anniversary of his grandfathers death (the man who raised him) and will be an emotional fuck all.

 

**

The ex is engaged.  Snort.  Info just finds me.

Second chances

The Man and I had a very rough week, that week we broke up.  I was resolute.  And I caved.

We texted after meeting that night 10 days ago.  And we stated we would do better if the other person would try to do better.  I cannot remember the next time I saw him, I think we went to the fair.  He was trying.  I was PMSie and standoffish.  I think we had sex and it was sweet.  It was not fucking any more.

And from there it moved quickly again.  He is coming here, I am spending nights at his place (which I could not do before).  And he IS trying.  And he is trying to be the man I deserve.  Which is not to say he is being someone he is not – he is just finally seeing things through my eyes.

We are trying not to fall into old patterns – trying to talk more, react less.  Things are stressful.  He needs to find a place to live….um….TODAY.  And it looks like he needs to rehome his dog to do so, which is heartbreaking.

Last night I needed a night alone.  He is being clingy.  I tend to date men that are more needy than I am (probably a good thing as two uber independent people will never really connect).  And I am trying to soothe him while still being true to myself.  *I* need time on my own.  I need to recharge in the ways I recharge – he cannot change that and I am not going to allow him to guilt me into ignoring that part of myself.

**

The ex – I think he pulled his page because he lost his job.   Wow.  That blows.

Interesting (or stalker, stalker pants on fire)

I recently changed my fb profile pic to one of me and The Man.  A big deal for me as I am not one to announce things.   I have lots of clients on my page I do not like to advertise my dating life and create an opportunity for questions when something changes.

I changed it on June 10.

Now, my ex has blocked me on fb.  Which really just makes me all the more curious.  But you know you can set up a fake account right?  Add some foreign friends.  And viola!  While you cannot get into their profiles you can see enough these days, right?

I did not block him.  I did not feel it was necessary as my life is awesome, my page is pretty locked down and anyone looking will only see a fabulous pic of me.

So imagine my surprise when 3 days later Ex pulls his page down.  Now, he did this once when we were dating and it was in the middle of us having a fight and him thinking we would break up.  So, while it might not be related to me (and The Man accuses me of thinking everything revolves around me) it certainly looks as if he is having issues about SOMETHING.  He is an emotional guy and reacts like a teenage girl a lot of the time, so this really sounds like one of his meltdowns.

**

So, speaking of the man.  I posted this weekend about how we got back on track.  Then everything derailed on Sunday.  He leaves to go to Home Depot which is maybe a 3 minute drive.  When an hour went by I knew he had gone elsewhere.  The bar I assume.

Now, let me state I am a drinker.  I love a cocktail.  But my main problem with him is his drinking.  He drinks fast.  He drinks  almost daily.  And I cannot say it is not in the back of my head that he is a possible alcoholic.  What I DO NOT want to do is be someone’s liquor monitor.  I want an adult that can handle his booze.  Someone who can realize when they might need to slow down or cut back or that it is ok to let loose that night.

He comes home after being gone for longer than he should, about 20 minutes before we are supposed to head to my parents for Father’s Day dinner.  I can tell by his voice he has been drinking.  And not just a beer or two.

I lose my shit.  “I am going to assume the reason you did not tell me you were going to the bar is you knew it would annoy me.  I do not understand why you are sabotaging this.  It is NOT ok to go to my parents house half in the bag.  All this says to me is you want booze more than you want me.”.

He counters with some lame responses about my parents being drinkers anyway.  He really has no other reason and I leave without him.  Everything in me is screaming end this now.  He is everything you fear and end it now.

He texts me asking me if he should leave and I do not respond as I want to think.  I turn the ringer off and the phone away and I enjoy some time with my parents.

Later, when checking the phone it all becomes clear – this is his first Father’s Day without his grandfather who was the father figure in his life and remains his idol and the man he can never live up to.

Oh. Shit.

So, now I am the asshole?

I do not hurry home, but I do not dilly dally either.  I come home to a gruff man’s man in my bed with tears streaming down his face.

All I can do is hold him.  We spend hours like this.  He talks about his grandfather.  He talks about his childhood.  I do not say much.  I have been accused of “not knowing him at all” since I did not pick up on this earlier in the day/week.  I counter with I cannot read your mind.

He gets up at one point and comes back into the room to curl his head into my breast and tells me he is sorry he did not share he was hurting and that he let me down.  He leaves tears on my boobs.

He later stated maybe a lot of the issues from this week were because he did not realize this was affecting him.  And maybe that is it.  Maybe it isn’t.  Maybe we are two passionate people who are looking for the other to hurt or abandon the other.

For the time being, I am still watching.  He wants me to surrender into this relationship and this is why I just can’t.