Finding center

I think my 2016 resolution needs to be to stop with the FB stalking.  Delete all the links, the bookmarks and just not give  a fuck anymore.

**

Ex bf posted a shirtless pic of himself.  WTF?  Too old. Not hot enough.  And who works out in jeans?

**

Tattoo Exec is def friends with the gf again.  And it makes it easier to let it all go.  If he wants to be friends with that mess (or more than friends) and not someone like me then he is not someone I need in my life.

**

I had a date last night with a the Engineer Biz Exec.  48.  Bald.  5’11 (heh….I am not so convinced).  Owns a home (finally).

We had a good phone convo this week.  But he told be about all the of “beautiful” women he has been out with.  So he is surfacey.  Which is so not me.

We met after his xmas party and an ugly sweater party I was attending. He was sort of a dick.  Very brusque.  Talked about being a hardass at work too much.  Told me the same stories of how many eligible women were not on M@tch (very engineer like, data mining, stats, etc.)  Asked me multiple times what I was doing this weekend but did not want to make plans.  He had half a glass of wine which was lame.  I had a glass of sparkling.  So we were out for an hour.

He wants one of those gals who look amazing and get the rich husbands.  He wants a trophy wife.  Except he does not want to be used for his money.  He wants the smart trophy wife with a career.  A good career.  Snort.  Good luck with that.  I am sure they exist but I am not sure how many he will find.

Walked me to my car and was totally checking out my ass when I was opening the door. Whatever.

I did not look up his house or how much he paid or who his agent was.  Yay me.  No stalking!

**

Sigh….yeah, maybe it is time to delete it all.  The thing is none of it makes me feel better.  So fuck it.  Let it all go.  Let them all go.

Misery

How does one become happy when they are not feeling it?

I am lonely yet annoyed with most people.  I am looking for someone to fill the hole and I know no one can. *I* have to fill the holes.  I have to make myself feel better.

Ugh.  Meditation?  Journaling gratitudes?

**

Air from the Tattoo exec.  I am 99% sure his ex gf is back on his FB.  He is all over someone else’s page.

I need to let that go.  The timing was not right so it is not right.  Move on.

**

The heart RN is AWOL.

And there is no one else.

I need to meet new people.

More internet stalking

Let’s bring this full circle…..

When I realized the Tattoo Exec was a little bit of a hypocrite last year, I figured out who she was. This bartender was petite and looked to be a lot of fun – always out drinking and such.  But I knew he wanted (or so he said, we all say we want one thing and then go for the opposite) someone with their shit together.  He did not want someone tattooed and rockabilly and whatever.  He wanted a career woman.

So, as I am pretty good at this (how can I turn this into a business??) I knew when they broke up.  Or within a few weeks.  It is easy with her because this bitch changes her profile pic every freaking day.  And until recently had an open page.

What he told me when I saw him last week was that he knocked someone up.  I assume it was her.  Though I could be wrong.

I have continued to watch her show because I can.  So they (TE and this gal) broke up sometime in late Feb or early March.  I guess there is ample time in there to knock someone else up but I do not know of any other women, so in MY head it it her.

She meets new guy in March (or they reconnect. Potentially they know each other from school).  They are engaged in August.  I had noticed the “engaged to” has disappeared from their pages in the last month.  She posts a pic with another dude (not touching him, but odd).  But they got a dog together.  She has shut her page down recently.  He has shut down his instagram.  Can anyone else smell the drama??

New guy was out of town for a few days and then this happens…..

He (her fiance)  just posted a photo and tagged her.  It has little plastic baggies (at least 7), a spoon, a credit card, a bart ticket.  “It’s funny when drug users make different excuses for why what doesn’t work… Always not them… Your failed experiences is due to your lack of growing up…. Take responsibility for your party lifestyle.. If I wanted a party girl I’d revert back to my 30’s”

Now, I do not know enough about drugs to know if that is coke, heroin, meth?  I have no idea.  I am soooo straight.

New guy outed her on FB??!!  WHAT THE HELL?!  He has over 2500 friends.  Wow.

I mean good for him for being strong about it. This guy seems solid.  Seems to have his head on straight.

I am gonna grab some popcorn and watch the shit show!!

**

UPDATE:  The comments continue.  Apparently her mother came by to clean up the evidence??  And someone asked what the spoon was for and he said “You know what it is for”…..!!! Does that mean they were shooting something?  OMG I am sooo out of the loop on this type of thing.

UPDATE 2: The post is gone.  A few people told him it should be private and they knew he was heartbroken and hurting but it was not appropriate on FB.  He noted “But it is ok for her to do it?” I assume meaning she is blasting him on FB but it is private.   He confirmed it ended over drugs.  But also some comment about counting bags?  So he is a dealer?  Because if he is, or if he uses AT ALL then he is a hypocrite as well.  I mean cummon.

Well now how am I going to entertain myself today……

To let me dangle at a cruel angle…

I am supposed to be sleeping.

Instead dramatic songs run through my head.

And, as always, useless thoughts.

I was telling the story of this weekend to a friend at work.  And I was trying to explain my unease with what has happened.  “I do not DO casual”, I said, “I am lean more intense.  I do not like small talk.  I want genuine connection”.

And that sums me up.  I have always been someone who has people in the inner circle, where I can be 100% me with no fall out or  those not in the inner circle – “casual” –  and then I give 2 fucks about what you think about me.  Which is actually  lie.  I must care because I treat those people politely but with distance.

This is my issue with TE.  We were never casual. Until we made out. And I realize this is not an accurate portrayal as we just got back in touch.  But this is the struggle – I know what we were when we were just friends last year.  So I FEEL the difference.

And I will always fall back on a man who does not make sure you are not out with others really is not interested in you.  And I despise that it brings out the brat in me that wants to prove I have plenty of other shit to be doing.  So immature.

I am remaining mostly zen.  I am just laying is bed and thinking. I figured I would write this down and let it go for the night.  Because I cannot make him act like I want him to.   I hate that I am better off playing some game.  It is stupid to play a game when we used to text all day every day.

41 years old and still ensconced in HS bullshit it feels like.

It occurs to me I am as fragile as I have ever been in my entire life.  I spend my days keeping my emotions in check and it is exhausting. So the above lack of care of me as a whole person really sets me off right now.  And I can understand he has his own issues to deal with.  But no one else is going to care for me, so I have to be my own zealous protector right now.

**

This is the best thing I have ever written about myself (to Shop Owner)

And I like this version of me, she is perfectly imperfect.  She is fiercely loyal and surrounded by amazing people.  She loves really hard, works really hard, and has so much joy and laughter in her life.  She cherishes the small things and lives in awe of the world

I want to find her again.

More writing

No word from TE.  I am halfway to putting myself back on T!nder because I am bored.  M@tch is not working for me.

Work was a real fuck nugget a few weeks ago.  Like $55K was walking out the door.  I have managed to get $20K of that back on track.  Another $4K (new).  And possibly another $15K in the works.  Not a bad way to end the year, with a $30 to $40K month.  I need it because the tax man would like his money NOW!

With that $20K coming back (although 3 weeks away) I am going to hunt for a gym this week.  I have not worked out most of the year (hello, fake menopause) and I am squishy.  Well, squishier than normal as I am always squishy.  Debating going back to the barre classes (my knees hate some of the moves), trying a new barre company, or doing a boxing based circuit training. There might be other options, but those are what come to mind to start.

I have been doing yoga, but the classes are an hour and a half. And getting home at 9 pm does not really work for me.  I will look for other options with that, as in my perfect dream life I am a yoga badass.  And look like it.  Ha!

I hate the time change.  I get tired at 6.  And then WIDE AWAKE at 10.  I am going to crawl into bed now and try to unwind and see if that works.  🙂

Breakups

Breakups are hard in this day and age.   As #1 stalker (from my couch) it is way to easy to see what is going on and really hurt for those people.

  1. Tatt Exec – I could almost track his breakup (and then her engagement to someone else – eeek!)
  2. The Shop Owner – has been dating a very cute mom of a teenage.  FB tells me she liked his pic on 10/20.  And 10/3 she used a pic from their Hawaii vacation as her cover page.  And I just saw him on m@tch.  “Active in the last 24 hours”.  Ouch.
  3. The one that got away and his wife. I can smell the drama from here.  He blocked me (wtf?) and locked down his page.  But hers still says she lives somewhere else.  Although it publicly states she is married.  Makes me wonder if she saw his comments on my pictures?  Dunno.  Shrug.
  4. The Tattoo Attorney’s wife is still posting a few things publicly as well.  Stop pissing on him honey.  I am glad it all worked out.  He fucked me with no condom BTW.  Might want to get yourself tested.

I am sure there are more…..but the Shop Owner stunned me.  Reading back through those posts I realize how much I liked him.

**

I broke down and texted.  The reply was….meh.

Screenshot_2015-11-10-18-53-48-1

Screenshot_2015-11-10-18-54-04-1

Shooting stars

I had a party to attend and I asked the Tattoo exec to join me.

Quick background.

So what has happened since all that?  His mother passed away.  He dated someone and got them pregnant (which was somehow taken care of).  He contacted me.  Then I dreamed about him.  He wants drinks and I put him off for about a month until I need a date for a party.

On the way there I see a shooting star and I think “I want to have an amazing time/connection with TE”.

I saw a shooting star on my way to see you

Things are a little crunchy when I pick him up.  We do the party real quick and then head to a bar near the Lake.  We talk about his mom, his depression about it (delayed as he has been dealing with her estate),  blah blah blah.  He  talks about redheads and how independent they are.  Me mentions how his phone is blowing up with options to get laid.  He says one of his gals told him he is depressed because she offered sex and he turned it down. He said it would be too much drama (which now makes the night make more sense, so I will explain).

I drive him home and he goes to hug me and then things get a tiny bit awkward.  I am not totally sure if I pulled away or what but he stops and tells me “I was going to kiss you”.

My brain does a little WTF but I let him. And it is soft and sweet.

We go in to his immaculate apartment and sit on the couch and listen to old school rap.  We make out more.  It is not super passionate.  It is mildly erotic but mostly comforting I think.

He grabs a boob and runs his hand over my crotch a few time, but again, it is not super aggressive.

I finally go home.  He does not walk me to my car which you know is my pet peeve.

And I have felt weird about it since.  Super off.  I think I am figuring out why.

We had a great connection last year.  Like amazing and we talked all the time about everything.  And when I saw him, we talked about everything.  But after making out?  I have had 2 texts that equal 3 words.

My interpretation of what is going on?

He wants independent because he wants a fuck buddy with no maintenance required.

He has a redhead thing so potentially I am a notch in a belt.

It could be that he wanted to fuck me so bad last year and held back that he is trying now?

None of this makes me feel good.   It reminds me that I want to feel cared for.  Were there moments that night?  Sure. He made sure I got a drink and found a cool spot in a hot bar so I would not melt.  But now?  No, I feel like I have been forgotten or, well, not important enough to think about.

I do not want a fuck buddy.  At all.  I get too attached and it just depresses me.  I want a partner.  Someone who cares for all of me. Someone who is ok with not being independent all the time.

I need to stop allowing this to run through my head.  I can admit to being curious to know what it would feel like to be near him and now I know.  Did it potentially ruin what could be a good friendship?  Probably.  I do not think it was hot an heavy enough that he would want a repeat.  So, I need to let it go (does anyone else STILL sing the Frozen song with they say this?).

There were things said (pre-makeout) about dinner and then a trivia night.  But I am not hopeful that those will happen.  I need to let that go to – the hope.  Because as a girl there is always hope and we know it ruins us.

Double sided betrayal

I have spent a lot of time thinking about my supposed best friend and N.  I debate if I am in the wrong.  I wonder if I am the horrible person.

What I am is someone who values trust and loyalty.  And when I realize I have been used?  It has to be over.  I cannot go back.

So, for posterity, here are the things that have run through my mind.

-She uses men. She will SWF herself into their lives.  How did she do this?  She co-opted my movie nights with him.  She acted like she was excited about these movies. But then when alone with me?  She would not watch them.

-She did not tell me she was thinking about dating him or fucking him or whatever.  She just did it.  Who does that? In their 40’s?  Who does that to their best friend?  What psychotic narcissist does that?  Oh….wait….answered my own question.

-She told him to break up with his current gf.

-Him.  He used me to get to her.  The last year of my life, every time he asked to hang he wanted to see her.  And that hurts.  It hurts more than I can put into words.

-Again, he chose a woman that means I am cut out of his life. And I have to see the pattern and realize he is not the friend I thought he was.

-Ironically, she mentioned to me that she thought the last gf was trying to cut me out of his life.  She was angling to get me to push the breakup.  Fucking. Cunt.

What I need to do is mourn and move on.  I need to really think about why I let these types of people into my life.  I DO have friends that are real and supportive. I need to really lean into those friendships (and I have) and make some new friends.  Which is an awesome idea when my body is in a constant state of PMS.

But it IS time to cry it out and let it go.  I cannot change the past.  I was open and trusting with these people and they chose these paths.  I consider it betrayal. They consider it Friday night, what’s the big deal?

I may compose some letters and post them here.  I do not want to engage.  I just want peace.  —————–

In other news:  The One that got away blocked me on FB.  For no apparent reason that I can see.  And the Tattooed Exec and I chatted briefly this week.

The chronic illness is back with 2 episodes in the last month.  And a yeast infection, probably from not having my period in 3 months. And a horrible break out that drove me to the dermatologist.  My poor body is miserable.  I am doing my best to get it back to healthy.

Circles

My life has never been a straight line.  Always taking the harder, longer route.  But now?  Circles.  My life is circles.  Everything comes back.  Especially men.

1) This one wants to be friends on FB? WTF? He is still married.

2) Jui Jitsu boy also wants to be friends on FB.  Has a new gf.

3) The Tattoo Exec sent me an email.  Screenshot_2015-07-21-16-21-142

The whole thing just made me mad.  At no point was I thinking about missing him.  He is a very attractive man.  We maybe should have dated.  But I am still bent.  And I feel like he is replaceable.  I can find another tattooed guy who likes me more than I like him. Easy.

4) The Heart Rn moved closer to me.  I have seen him twice since he moved.  Both times we fuck 3 or 4 times.  It is getting better.  He wants me to be his stand in summer gf.  With an option to renew for the holidays.  This confuses me.  Are you actually interested?  He wanted to cuddle the other night. Which led to him going down on me and talking me into sex.  I had already said no.  But….eh….whatever.

I think that is enough men coming back into my life for one month.

The facebook age

I am a pretty good facebook stalker.  Nothing bothers me more than someone who does not post anything.

In a fit of boredom I looked up the Tattooed Exec.  He had broken up our friendship in June after a drunken night.  In my recollection he was telling me he was not going to have a girlfriend for a year.  Typical of me, not thinking if he had a gf I would then not get my free Thursday night drinks, I tell him not to box himself in.  Just go with it.  Enjoy (he was finalizing a divorce) but do not put stupid rules on yourself.

Somehow, some way, I pissed him off.  And he threw a tantrum.

 

  • Me

    Wow. What did I say that you defriended me on facebook? In my mind I said do not limit yourself because of your past. Do not choose to be alone because you acted in a certain way 10 years ago. You are different now. Now…was I fucking drunk? Yes. But goddamn, TE. Do you think maybe you were a little sensitive last weenend?

  • It takes a lot for me for me to get that way. Don’t need that drama from anyone right now. And even in this message again you still feel the need to criticize me. My feeling is that type of night will just happen again.

  • Great. Nuff said. One thinks they are telling someone to be open and happy and….I am not sure what you heard, but I have listened to every thing you have said and opted to not take it as a critique on my life. Have a good one.

 

Anyway….he was telling me based on who he was 10 years ago he should not date.  And what do I find on facebook?  A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND. And from the looks of it, he had her by July.

And I am the asshole?  REALLY?  I have been really pissy about it for a few days.  I unblocked him (barely remember doing that) and put a public rant on there that he may see someday.

**

A guy who wants to take me out this weekend posts an article about 2 weeks ago “How to Tell if You are in Love”.  And friends his ex gf (who lives out of state but a short flight).

That is going to be an interesting dinner.