To let me dangle at a cruel angle…

I am supposed to be sleeping.

Instead dramatic songs run through my head.

And, as always, useless thoughts.

I was telling the story of this weekend to a friend at work.  And I was trying to explain my unease with what has happened.  “I do not DO casual”, I said, “I am lean more intense.  I do not like small talk.  I want genuine connection”.

And that sums me up.  I have always been someone who has people in the inner circle, where I can be 100% me with no fall out or  those not in the inner circle – “casual” –  and then I give 2 fucks about what you think about me.  Which is actually  lie.  I must care because I treat those people politely but with distance.

This is my issue with TE.  We were never casual. Until we made out. And I realize this is not an accurate portrayal as we just got back in touch.  But this is the struggle – I know what we were when we were just friends last year.  So I FEEL the difference.

And I will always fall back on a man who does not make sure you are not out with others really is not interested in you.  And I despise that it brings out the brat in me that wants to prove I have plenty of other shit to be doing.  So immature.

I am remaining mostly zen.  I am just laying is bed and thinking. I figured I would write this down and let it go for the night.  Because I cannot make him act like I want him to.   I hate that I am better off playing some game.  It is stupid to play a game when we used to text all day every day.

41 years old and still ensconced in HS bullshit it feels like.

It occurs to me I am as fragile as I have ever been in my entire life.  I spend my days keeping my emotions in check and it is exhausting. So the above lack of care of me as a whole person really sets me off right now.  And I can understand he has his own issues to deal with.  But no one else is going to care for me, so I have to be my own zealous protector right now.

**

This is the best thing I have ever written about myself (to Shop Owner)

And I like this version of me, she is perfectly imperfect.  She is fiercely loyal and surrounded by amazing people.  She loves really hard, works really hard, and has so much joy and laughter in her life.  She cherishes the small things and lives in awe of the world

I want to find her again.

Breakups

Breakups are hard in this day and age.   As #1 stalker (from my couch) it is way to easy to see what is going on and really hurt for those people.

  1. Tatt Exec – I could almost track his breakup (and then her engagement to someone else – eeek!)
  2. The Shop Owner – has been dating a very cute mom of a teenage.  FB tells me she liked his pic on 10/20.  And 10/3 she used a pic from their Hawaii vacation as her cover page.  And I just saw him on m@tch.  “Active in the last 24 hours”.  Ouch.
  3. The one that got away and his wife. I can smell the drama from here.  He blocked me (wtf?) and locked down his page.  But hers still says she lives somewhere else.  Although it publicly states she is married.  Makes me wonder if she saw his comments on my pictures?  Dunno.  Shrug.
  4. The Tattoo Attorney’s wife is still posting a few things publicly as well.  Stop pissing on him honey.  I am glad it all worked out.  He fucked me with no condom BTW.  Might want to get yourself tested.

I am sure there are more…..but the Shop Owner stunned me.  Reading back through those posts I realize how much I liked him.

**

I broke down and texted.  The reply was….meh.

Screenshot_2015-11-10-18-53-48-1

Screenshot_2015-11-10-18-54-04-1

Chemistry

In reading through the stuff with The Rapper I realize I call him my top 3 in chemistry.  So much has changed!

And I wanted to make a list.  To reminisce.  In no order….

1) Peter.  The guy from the bar at the SF restaurant I managed.  One date at a piano bar on the edge of the Castro. Fun, handsome, hot.  God, I wanted him.  Things got weird and I would get late night calls where he would say he wasn’t good enough.  I think he was in a relationship.

2) JHL – my employee.  I would have other managers tell me to stop flirting and I physically could not stop.  I was so drawn to him. The kiss was sweet and soft and sexy and if I was kissed that way today I would be his forever.

3) The Rapper.  See posts

4) The Hot Doctahh.  I could look up more, but much like the rapper we thought alike. Same love for random music.  I straddled him in a desk chair and we made out.

4) 4H – The Photog.  Most sensual night of my life.  I am not sure it was chemistry.  Or it was different.  He took me there vs. the hormones taking me there.

5) The Man.  Another hot ass day spent in bed not fucking.  My body wanted him and his big dick.  We had great sex a few times.

6) Shop Owner.  Making out up against the side of a building.  I loved is hands.

7)  The Robot/Solar Guy.  That was a fun drunken night at a dive bar and then in my car with his hands dipping into my bra to brush my nipples.

Yummy.  I need more of those nights.

Dating Whore- updated

Shop owner and I are on civil terms.  I texted him a few days later to have him join us for an event near his home, but he declined.  I am still convinced I can have him if I am near him.  He then texted me about 5 days later to check in.  Not sure what he is doing.  Debating asking him to come out with us Friday to see a band.

In reaction to being shunned by the man I was falling for, I have decided to go on a dating spree.  I am on eh@rm and m@tch and then joined t!nder. So, since then:

Tinder:

B-Tattoo exec – Spent Valentines day drinking with him.  Sadly a smoker.  And a little too short.  But our bdays are 3 days apart so we were super similar.  We are now fb friends.  UPDATE:  3/3/14 he texted for drinks again

N -Accent guy – Stupid tall.  Very unique career in gaming and the military.  Super interesting life, but not so fascinating that I really care.  First date was a fancy restaurant.  He asked very little about me.  Not a good kisser.   Pecks down the neck like barely touching that are faux passionate. Its fucking weird. 3 dates done and I need to break it off. UPDATE:  Pretty much done here

J – Coach – works at a college.  Very sweet.  We went to a concert on our first date.  Spontaneous drinks another night. He is out of town all week, but texts often.  Will see him again to check chemistry. UPDATE: 3/3/2014 Date this week

F – Attorney – Spontaneous drinks last night.  Local mexican spot.  Good convo.  Not sure I am into him.

S- Angst Boy – Have not gone out with yet – wine industry but works nights.  Super into him so far but mostly because he is out of a bad relationship and seems fragile.  He says he wants to get to know me so the ball is in his court for now. UPDATE:  3/3/14 radio silence

E – Self employed finance industry – have not gone out with him yet.  He ended up in the ER on the day we were to go out.  He has communicated a bit (but he is not a big texter) so we will see.

A – Solar guy – super interesting. Very evolved. Maybe nuts. Date on Sunday.  I like that he calls when texting gets to be too much. UPDATE:  3/2/2014 Awesome date.  His bday was today (3/3). 8 hours of drinking and then ended up making out in the car.  He says he sees ghosts.  For real.  But he is so fucking hot.

Eh@rm:

S-The pusher – he thought we had a lot in common.  A little too much trying to sell what we have in common.  Did not see him again.

S – Concert Guy – Have not gone out with yet.  Pursued me hard on email but has not planned anything (I was busy, then he was gone).  He texts, but not a ton.  He does initiate many of those texts.  He wants to move to SF.  Almost adult kids.  Blond which is not my thing.  But we will see. UPDATE:  Radio silence since last Thursday

Match:

J – Lawyer – keep playing phone tag.  I will reach out one more time

Z – Exec- I had written him off.  He is so fucking pretty.  But he called last night and we chatted for a good 30 minutes.  Plans for Tuesday.

That is about 10 men in 2 weeks?  Not bad.  Only made out with 2 of them (N and J).  What I am liking is these men are successful.  I am having some if the best conversations with other business owners and it excites my brain.

Non Dates:

N – Old Roomie – Back in my life.  Hanging on Saturday,

B  – Old Friend – Seeing him tonight to catch up.

The end the end

He responded to my email. Which he didn’t need to. “Ok” would have been sufficient. And I responded to that begging him to let me go. Stop torturing me. Just tell me you won’t get past this.

And he calls. And I am still not sure what he wants but it isn’t me. I asked what he wants and he cannot really give me an answer. I don’t know why he cannot end this. If you don’t want me as I am then what do you expect me to do? I cannot change anything here. I sobbed. And I begged some more -let me go. And he finally got it. “I’ll let you go”.

7 hours of crying is hell on the skin just so you know. I have never fallen so hard so quick. I have never felt more beautiful and connected to someone. Fuck fuck fuck.

I can’t sop the tears. Knowing this whole thing is stupid. I want what I cannot have. And I might not find someone like him for a very long time. And I fucking hate myself for my part in this. I hate that I am not what he wants.

This is miserable.

The end – The Shop Owner

While Saturday was amazing, the rest is not.

I just sent him:

In response to your last text – which I got as I was sitting down to lunch with people.  Really fun to hold myself together through that. I am finally home and I am shaky and miserable. :-/ I hate that the only contact I get is text or email. I would always prefer to see someone face to face – especially when there is an issue.  I do not react well to withdrawal of affection.  But I think in your heart you know that.  Hence the distance.
I got attached, too.  I think you might be perfect for me – not that you are everything I had on my list.  But lists do not matter when the important thing is how someone makes you feel, that undeniable chemistry.  And I love how I feel with you.  And I realize I am not perfect for you.  I wish I was.   I wish I could make you feel better.  I wish I could comfort you. Because when it comes down to it, I never want the one I care about to hurt.  I want to hurt for them.  I want you to be happy.  And to laugh and smile.  I wish, I wish, I wish…..
Below is what I wrote last night.  I am not sure I have told you that I write whenever I am upset….or excited….or have too much in my brain.   It gets it out of my brain for awhile.  Usually it helps me sleep – but not last night. I had thought I would send it to you later this week if things did not change.  And I see that they won’t.  You don’t seem to want to talk.  So….shrug…..I am not sure what else I can do.
I am going to give you what you seem to want – I will go away.  I realize that I am not worth even the small risk involved and that is your choice and I will respect it.  Goodbye,  my Shop Owner – as I had been referring to you to my friends.  It was almost perfect.  Thank you.
The Redhead
2/10/2014
Ever since Saturday I had been hoping to talk to you. But there never seems a good time as you seem too tired or irritated from work. So, I will send this and when/if you want to talk I am here.For the record Saturday was perfect. To be near you and have you touch me and I could touch you….it gave me hope. And god, I hate hope. She is the cruel little bitch in my life.I fell hard, too, Shop Owner.  I really cannot remember ever connecting with someone as much as I have with you. I am strangely comfortable and emotionally, physically and mentally excited when I am around you. I feel like you understand my quirky brain. Your face, your kiss, your eyes, your hands….I adore them. Everything feels right. Even on Saturday.  I could see good things for us in the future.  Like, fucking unbelievably good things.  We could maybe be those people – those really happy, really secure in our relationship, really rely on each other, really making everything work people.I feel like I am getting mixed messages. Please correct me if I am wrong. But Saturday is in direct conflict with your text messages which seem curt and perfunctory. It has not gone unnoticed that there has been not one word of affection from you. And I am reminded that you “mean what you say and say what you mean”. So I am left to believe you are back to really trying to put distance between us.

I am not trying to rush you on a decision. But you need to realize distance never works for me. I connect face to face. I need to touch someone to remain engaged. And as far as I am concerned if you want to get to know me better to make a decision, you can….[redacted]. The lack of any real communication doesn’t build trust with me. I need you to know I feel the distance. I heard your “don’t bother” when I offered to come over another night. Your “we’ll figure something out” when I asked if I was going to see you.

[redacted]

If you want me to go away, I will. I do not want to be an obligation. You owe me nothing. And I would never expect you to keep communicating just because you think you have to. You don’t have to keep up some facade if what you really want is a Redhead free life.

I hate that I’ve made you think about “us” when all we should be doing is feeling things. I really hate that I couldn’t be what you wanted. And I am sorry to throw a wrench in what was turning into an amazing romance. But it is what it is. If I could go back 20 years and change it, I would not be the same person standing here today.  And I like this version of me, she is perfectly imperfect.  She is fiercely loyal and surrounded by amazing people.  She loves really hard, works really hard, and has so much joy and laughter in her life.  She cherishes the small things and lives in awe of the world.  And I am not sure I would be half the person she is without this little disclosure.  So I choose to be grateful for it.  And I will be grateful I met you so I can be reminded that dynamic, handsome, smart, funny men still exist. Maybe one day I will find mine.

Know that I really, really miss you. Miss your face.  And those eyes. And hearing you speak.  And know that I want to know what you are thinking and feeling. Even if it hurts me. I’ll be ok. I can be really tough when I need to. 😉

The Redhead
Then a friend sends me this – which I realize is crap, but I need to focus on the doors opening in front of me, not the ones closing behind me.

Two Traveling Angels  ( this one will make you think twice!!!!! )Keep reading to the bottom of the page don’t stop at the feet (You’ll see).

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family.

The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion’s guest room.

Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement.

As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it.

When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, “Things aren’t always what they seem”

The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife.

After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night’s rest.

When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears.

Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.

The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you have let this happen?
The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused.

The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die..

“Things aren’t always what they seem,” the older angel replied.

“When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall.

Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn’t find it.”

“Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife I gave him the cow instead.

Things aren’t always what they seem.”

Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things  don’t turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every out come is always to your advantage. You just might not know it
until some time later…
                               Oooo
Some people           (    )
come into our lives   )  /
and quickly go..      (_ /

oooO
(    )       Some people
\  (        become friends
\_ )    and stay awhile…

leaving beautiful          Oooo
footprints on our         (    )
hearts…                      )  /
( _/

oooO
(    )      and we are
\  (          never
\_ )      quite the same
because we have
made a good
friend!!

Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow a mystery.
Today is a gift.
That’s why it’s called the present!

I think this is special…live and savor every
moment… This is not a dress rehearsal!

(\        /)
( \ __ / )
(  \()/  )
(  /   \  )    TAKE THIS LITTLE  ANGEL
( / \/ \ )   AND KEEP HER CLOSE TO YOU
/      \    SHE IS YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL
(        )    SENT TO WATCH OVER YOU
____

THIS IS A SPECIAL GUARDIAN ANGEL… YOU MUST PASS THIS ON TO 5 PEOPLE
WITHIN THE HOUR OF RECEIVING HER,

IF YOU HAVE PASSED HER ON, SHE WILL WATCH OVER YOU FOREVER….
IF NOT, HER TEARS WILL FLOW

Now don’t delete this message, because it comes from a very special
angel.

Right Now –

-somebody is thinking of you.
-somebody is caring about you.
-somebody misses you
-somebody wants to talk to you.
-somebody wants to be with you.
-somebody hopes you aren’t in trouble.
-somebody is thankful for the support you have provided.
-somebody wants to hold your hand.
-somebody hopes everything turns out all right.
-somebody wants you to be happy.
-somebody wants you to find him/her.
-somebody is celebrating your successes.
-somebody wants to give you a gift.
-somebody thinks that you ARE a gift.
-somebody loves you.
-somebody admires your strength.
-somebody is thinking of you and smiling.
-somebody wants to be your shoulder to cry on.

SOMEBODY NEEDS YOU TO SEND THIS TO THEM

Never take away anyone’s hope.  That may be all they have.

Very quickly…

I need to go to bed, so I will be brief.  But deciding that I have not one thing to lose, I offered to pop by Shop Owners place of business as I was going to be in his area for a fun day with a girlfriend.  

My thinking is – I have already lost him.  If he wants to be friends, great, I will show him how awesome I am.  But regardless, in my mind, he is already gone.  I just think this one is special and my gut says to put in a little effort and get face to face.

I spent about 40 minutes there – most of which he was physically working either on something or with somebody.  But in the moments in between he would hug me or smack me on the ass lightly.

I think I told him he could meet up with us if he wanted.  When we were done (we had tickets to something), my friend and I went back towards his place and all 3 of us went for dinner and drinks.

He reached over and grabbed my hand as we sat down and I melted.  He was affectionate for the rest of the evening.  Hands on my in some way.  Looking at me.  Watching me.  He was charming to my friend.  And it was perfect.  It felt right.

I started to fade, not feeling well (PMS) and he asked me to come to his house, which I had to decline.  But he asked.

I have no idea what this means.  It could mean nothing. But he kissed me quite a few times before he left.  I keep reminding myself to have faith.  Faith that he is who I think he is.  Faith this will work out as it is supposed to.

 

 

From Fuck Yes to Fuck No

I heard not one word from him today.  I just sent the email to break it all off.  No sense in my torturing myself over here.  We went from him turning over in his sleep and mumbling how much he likes me to silence today.

He does not want to be the bad guy.  I was the one who was open and honest and he cannot give me that back.  So I will be the bad guy for him.  It hurts. But I want the control.  It is all I have left.

This one stings.  I was really into this guy.  We connected on so many levels.  I will allow myself to wallow for a few days and let it go.

*************************

I sent the email and we went back and forth a bit.

And then I get a text:  Yes, I’m trying to distance myself a little.  I’ve already become too attached.  I’ll talk to you later, ok?

Stabbed me right in the heart.  Fuck me.  Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck fuck.

Dates 3 and 4

Date 3 was the Super Bowl at my house.  It was my only day off in 2 weeks and my house was as clean as I can ever get it.  He brought tulips.  We watched a truly horrible game, ate a bit, drank some more.  We watched a movie and he spent the night.

Monday we got up and I got dressed to go to a meeting.  He told me I looked nice and over the course of the day we made plans to hang on Tuesday night.

Date 4.  I drove to his house.  We went for drinks at a bar in his town.  I told him how much I want to take him out in my town.  We decided to hit the dive bar down the street. And it was divey.  He referred to me as his girlfriend some how and we both cracked up as I called him on it.  I drank too much (no dinner) and we ended up at late taco truck.  Which was amazing.

Back at his place, we went to sleep all curled up together.  And this morning we woke before 7 and just cuddled for hours.  It was divine.  While I keep trying to push off sex, he is persistent (which I like) and it instigated “The Talk”.  The talk about that recurring issue that I disclose before sex.  The talk is halting as I have not had my adderral and I do not get the response I want (which would be along the lines of I have heard this before and I am cool with it).  He has not dealt with anything like this (and this is why older guys tend to be better than younger ones).  This makes me nervous and I sort of stop explaining because WTF is the point if he is going to bail on me.  He does tell me he thinks his father has it.  Or his step mom.  He is not sure.  My mouth starts to twitch and I am pretty sure I am going to cry, so I gather my stuff, get dressed, sweetly say goodbye and go.  The moment I am in the car I realize I left a charger – not a big deal, but I want this to be a clean break if that is what it needs to be.

I am weepy in the car but holding it together.  I think I expected this.  I just hate that I have essentially asked someone if I am worth taking a risk for.  And that is a shitty thing to do to a person after 4 dates.  But I also knew my whole “I want to wait to bang” speech was not believable.  BECAUSE I WANT TO BANG!!

I get about 20 minutes down the road and he texts me saying “That must have been hard.  Are you OK?”

I get home 30 minutes later before I can respond.  My response is polite and strong.  I just do not have it in me to beg for this.

He responds that “You are a good person and have morals” and that he has “some thinking to do”.  But I should have a good day and not think about this.  Snort.  Oh, ok, thanks.

Me:  I am an open book.  I am not embarrassed by this and I am happy to answer any questions that come up.  And you do not owe me any type of answer.

Still letting him off the hook.  I am too nice.

3 hours later he starts with a question.  I answer in full.  He tells me I am “noble”.  And that he is “beginning to find out who [I] am.”

I argue I am not noble.  Just do not want to start something with deceit.

And then he gets the card I sent him on Monday.  Awkward.  Had I known we would be here, I would not have sent the card.

We go back and forth a bit and he tells me “just throwing it away seems silly” and that he would like to talk later.

It is 6:16 and I have not heard from him yet.  I still have no idea what might happen. It could be bad.

Edited to add:  It is 9 pm and he is already in bed.  I am tired too.  But I am thinking this does not bode well for things working out.  I am going to step away and let him miss me for awhile.  I will answer any questions he wants to call me with  but I think I need to lay off the chit chat.

Date 2

Date 2 after having some deep conversations is hard.

I was stuck on the phone when I walked up which made the whole homecoming a little lame.

We had a bottle of wine at his place.  Then went in the city for a comedy show. We held hands.  We laughed.  We had a really good time.

We went back to his place to make out.  He wanted me to stay really bad, to cuddle up and sleep, or so he said.  I am so glad I didn’t because ovulating and freshly waxed could have meant I went for it.  And I am not ready to do that.

I really really like him.  Like I do not know how I am going to slow this down at all. Next planned date is Super Bowl at my house.  Just the two of us.