Finding center

I think my 2016 resolution needs to be to stop with the FB stalking.  Delete all the links, the bookmarks and just not give  a fuck anymore.

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Ex bf posted a shirtless pic of himself.  WTF?  Too old. Not hot enough.  And who works out in jeans?

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Tattoo Exec is def friends with the gf again.  And it makes it easier to let it all go.  If he wants to be friends with that mess (or more than friends) and not someone like me then he is not someone I need in my life.

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I had a date last night with a the Engineer Biz Exec.  48.  Bald.  5’11 (heh….I am not so convinced).  Owns a home (finally).

We had a good phone convo this week.  But he told be about all the of “beautiful” women he has been out with.  So he is surfacey.  Which is so not me.

We met after his xmas party and an ugly sweater party I was attending. He was sort of a dick.  Very brusque.  Talked about being a hardass at work too much.  Told me the same stories of how many eligible women were not on M@tch (very engineer like, data mining, stats, etc.)  Asked me multiple times what I was doing this weekend but did not want to make plans.  He had half a glass of wine which was lame.  I had a glass of sparkling.  So we were out for an hour.

He wants one of those gals who look amazing and get the rich husbands.  He wants a trophy wife.  Except he does not want to be used for his money.  He wants the smart trophy wife with a career.  A good career.  Snort.  Good luck with that.  I am sure they exist but I am not sure how many he will find.

Walked me to my car and was totally checking out my ass when I was opening the door. Whatever.

I did not look up his house or how much he paid or who his agent was.  Yay me.  No stalking!

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Sigh….yeah, maybe it is time to delete it all.  The thing is none of it makes me feel better.  So fuck it.  Let it all go.  Let them all go.

New Year New You

Nah…it is always the same me.  Much as I would love to wake up that calm woman.  The one who exudes warmth and comfort and confidence.  Not the prickly woman I am, afraid of being hurt again.

Your heart expands when it’s broken.

A shattered heart mends but it has stretched. The stretching creates room for even more love. In fact, the loveliest people are the ones who’ve been burnt and broken and torn at the seams, yet still send their open hearts into the world to mend with love again and again, and again.

I found that here.

And there is the goal.  Love more, harder, better.  Believe you deserve the love that is returned.  KNOW you are worthy of love.

So, this whole thing is going sideways.  I have no idea what I came here to talk about.

I might have come across rude to someone I am supposed to go out with.  Part of me feels bad, part feels like he is not getting I was kidding.  Most of me does not feel like explaining if he is butt hurt already.

A deal fell apart today.  One I needed.  I needed the money.  So, being broke is fun.

In the middle of all this I am cleaning up my text messages and deleting whole threads.  I delete the attorney in the whole thing.  And then I get a text about 5 minutes later “A”.  That is it.  WTF?  I ignore it for a bit.  Then delete it too because I do not have the energy.  If he felt bad about forgetting my birthday he should have CALLED when he figured it out. Instead I got “I totally forgot to calendar it.  So sorry love”.  Not even hey, happy birthday.  I mean we are fucking.  And you cannot write down my birthday when I text you and invite, you say yes, I follow up with an email with details, you answer you will be there and then “forget”.

Or?  I just do not mean anything to you.  And I think there we have the truth.

And the sad part is it does not hurt.  What hurts in realizing I am unworthy.  That I do not deserve what everyone else has – to be special to someone.  Just one person.

So, what are my options?

Back off of dating.  Forget looking for someone to share this life with.  Concentrate on me and only me.  Learn to be content with my own company, my friends and my family.  Make new friends.  Expand my social circles.  Work on my business.  Volunteer?  Learn to swim and speed read.  Listen to books on tape and meditate.  Workout often.  Change my body.  Eat clean. Create strong boundaries about what I want and who I let in (meaning no more fuck buddies).  Stop giving power to others.  Make a schedule that works for me and only me.  Make a life list and start checking boxes.  Learn to accept that plans do not always work out as you want and the journey is all the sweeter for it.  Be open.  Let go of past hurts, wounds and scars.  They are a part of my story not a part of me.  Cry.  Go ahead and cry.