Finding center

I think my 2016 resolution needs to be to stop with the FB stalking.  Delete all the links, the bookmarks and just not give  a fuck anymore.


Ex bf posted a shirtless pic of himself.  WTF?  Too old. Not hot enough.  And who works out in jeans?


Tattoo Exec is def friends with the gf again.  And it makes it easier to let it all go.  If he wants to be friends with that mess (or more than friends) and not someone like me then he is not someone I need in my life.


I had a date last night with a the Engineer Biz Exec.  48.  Bald.  5’11 (heh….I am not so convinced).  Owns a home (finally).

We had a good phone convo this week.  But he told be about all the of “beautiful” women he has been out with.  So he is surfacey.  Which is so not me.

We met after his xmas party and an ugly sweater party I was attending. He was sort of a dick.  Very brusque.  Talked about being a hardass at work too much.  Told me the same stories of how many eligible women were not on M@tch (very engineer like, data mining, stats, etc.)  Asked me multiple times what I was doing this weekend but did not want to make plans.  He had half a glass of wine which was lame.  I had a glass of sparkling.  So we were out for an hour.

He wants one of those gals who look amazing and get the rich husbands.  He wants a trophy wife.  Except he does not want to be used for his money.  He wants the smart trophy wife with a career.  A good career.  Snort.  Good luck with that.  I am sure they exist but I am not sure how many he will find.

Walked me to my car and was totally checking out my ass when I was opening the door. Whatever.

I did not look up his house or how much he paid or who his agent was.  Yay me.  No stalking!


Sigh….yeah, maybe it is time to delete it all.  The thing is none of it makes me feel better.  So fuck it.  Let it all go.  Let them all go.


When they don’t have a nickname

Our first date was Sept 2014.  (More here – but not much) 6 months later we find each other on T!inder.  He chats on the app until I mention he should have my number and we know each other in real life so he is welcome to use it.

Wanna get a bottle of wine and make out?  He asks days later via text.  That date never happens but we do go out maybe a week or 2 later.

He met someone else around the same time as me and I guess that relationship took off.  She is an attorney (so way better job than mine) and has children.  Sadly she went jealous nut balls on him about a female friend he had.  54 message over night (text and calls).  I told him I might lose my shit but I think I get tired after 6 messages.

First date Take 2 (or second date in 6 months on Feb 25) is good.  I am not totally sure if he is into me or not.  I like talking to him.  I tell him I am reading The Ethical Slut which he has read and we talk about BDSM and open relationships, he being less interested than I am (but after a week of bruises from the FFGD I realize I do not need or want pain to be a part of every sexual experience and poly is definitely not my thing – more on that later) in pain or anything super kinky.

What I had been telling FFGD is that I crave intimacy and it is the one thing he cannot give me.  MBA wants intimacy, too.

Anyway, we go back to his house and make out on his couch and HOLY FUCK was it hot.

HOT.  Like I need a cold shower hot.  And he talks not long term….but he talks serious.  Like he makes references that tell me he is mentally fitting me into his life.

[Here is my hesitation with him. I get home and text him about needing a cold shower and the response does not come til the next day.  Communication is sporadic.  And since I know he already chose someone over me once, I am essentially waiting for it to happen again.  So the message and the actions are not adding up. Again.]

DATE 3 (March 6):  10 days go by and I finally hear from him again.  He says he has his kids but he wants to see me. I go over for a movie and we go hide in his room after the kids go to bed.

I bring a nice bottle of wine and he reaches over and take the glass and says “I need to kiss you now”.

He says something about thinking a lot about a statement I made about children to him on Date 2.  I was bad mouthing my best friends parenting.  So he is thinking about me.  I just wish he would cut me some slack for what comes out of my mouth.  At one point he says he will not say the “L” word for a long time but as he is wrapped around me he says he likes me a lot.  I found it a weird statement because it is our third date and no one needs to be thinking about when or how to use “love”.

Again with the hot, hot, hot making out.  And that intimacy we have both talked about, I see how it would work with him. He is sensual and slow and it would be that sex where you are both breathing each other in and truly connect to each other while you have no thoughts other than what you are feeling.  He is amazing.  I want to fuck him so badly.

But he is religious and I am taking my time. I am also not getting what I want (time) so I am not is a rush.  If he wants to go slow, then I will go slow on my own terms.

I do not bother texting him when I get home that night.  Why bother?  He does not ask me to and I see no reason after the last response. I do text the next day.  I need to stop texting him so much.

Him:  I really enjoyed last night

Me: Me too.  I sorta dig you.

Him: Dig is a good word for it. 🙂  I just realized I can for the first time I can see real abs

I guess he is a former skinny boy turned body builder.  He has mentioned it enough that I realize it is important to him but I cannot figure out why.

Anyway he sends me a pic of himself in his undies and woah.  He is hot.

He ends up getting sic and I do not really hear from him much over the next few weeks.  I reach out and do not always get a response until days later.  He says he was really ill.  I have no real idea, so as I said above, I can take it slow.

Yesterday I get a text:

Him:  Are you available Thurs?  (and then after I reply) Let’s do a nice dinner.  I can head down your way.  🙂

So date #4 is tomorrow.  I am home cleaning like a mad man so he can come pick me up if that is offered. I am even having my carpets cleaned. 😉


[The reference in the title is that when I like them they do not have a nickname when I talk about them to my friends.  He has no nickname.  Just his name.  I do not think I like him that much but I am aware that I am not referring to him with some snide name.]

The malcontent (that would be me)

The Rapper:

We had it out.

I texted him yesterday that is made me sad that he was going to blow of a good friend because of sex.  When what he needs is someone on his side.

He calls.  And we have a good chat.  He speaks well.  Odd for a rapper guy, huh?

We “made up”.  I understand the sexy talk the night before led him to believe we were banging.  While in my head it was never an option.  He admitted he acted like a spoiled child.

We texted last night and it did not go well.  I texted him this morning and asked him to come over tonight.  We will see if he does.

The Heart Nurse:

He came over late last week and we had some pretty good sex (third time).  I have never loved giving a bj. It is not my thing.  Boys stink and I have a good gag reflex.  And a small mouth.  Ask my dentist.  But I was a good girl and after standing there fondling each other I dropped to my knees.  Still not my fave thing.  But because I do not care if he likes it or not, I think I am actually better at it.

Once done, he had forgotten an appointment and rushed out.  In between we talked about dating.

His bday was yesterday.  FB told me.  I had no idea. I texted him that maybe I should have let him take the video he wanted since it was his bday.  We made plans to fuck today.  But then he went out to dinner last night with some young thing he used to date.

Now I am bent out of shape and wondering if I should skip.  I am not jealous.  I am more cautious.  And why does SHE get the bday?  He could have invited me out.

Whatever.  I do not want to date him.  I just don’t like feeling like a dirty little secret.

New dates:

The Car Entrepreneur.  48.  VERY attractive in a lanky easy way.  We met after his business trip.  He likes my ideas to use t!inder pics – an idea my gf’s and I came up with.  He has 3 kids and a Hahvahd grad almost ex wife.  Not sure I am in him league.

The MBA guy: Tall, interesting, very smart.  Religious background.  2 divorces.  He liked me. But I wonder if he doesn’t like what he considers “wild” women.  He did once marry a stripper.

I heard from the car guy after.  Quick post date exchange with the MBA .  No idea if I will see either again.  But I am curious about both.