Maybe this can be my best selling book?

I felt good for quite  a few months.  Well, maybe not good.  But better.  The hippy doc vitamins were working.

But this month they failed me big time.

I missed another period.  I am a raging pile of angst and tears and anger and depression.  I am no fun.

I am not me.

But I am hell bent on getting back there.  Fake hormones, antidepressants….I do not care.  I want to feel better because this sucks ass.

When I come out the other side maybe it will be a good enough story for a book.  Haha!

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Boring but posting

Life is dull. But I think I want to post more.  Then maybe I will find remember the fun and the good times I do have instead of feeling like all I do is hide.

I need to branch out and make new friends. I need real ones.  I have real ones but they are not local.  Having lost my 2 best friends to their fucking…..I am sort of lost.

I need people to force me to go out.  Because my default is to stay home in my pjs.

The good?  I am feeling better!  Finally!  I think I need to find a way to work out.  The time change is not helping that, nor is the fact that I am BROKE.

The bad?  Work got fucked.  I do not even want to rehash it all.  But I went from making $200K to maybe $140K.  Is that bad? Only because I have nothing saved (bought a car cash which was necessary) and have not paid any 2015 taxes yet.  Sigh….the pipeline is there.  I should be ok.  But I made some financial decisions based on the fact that I was going to have money coming in and it fizzled.

Gratitude?  I need to feel grateful. Which is not easy when I am probably in the middle of PMS.  😉  So what am I grateful for?  The rain yesterday.  We need it.  Getting things done for the class I have now taken twice (work based).  Coloring.  If you try this DO NOT look on Pinterest for what others are doing.  But I am loving blending (4 types of) colored pencils and creating pretty things.  Am I super artsy? Not really.  I had talent when I was younger. I might take something up again.  My sex drive is back?  Or it was.  PMS = meh but this month I did feel normal.

Double sided betrayal

I have spent a lot of time thinking about my supposed best friend and N.  I debate if I am in the wrong.  I wonder if I am the horrible person.

What I am is someone who values trust and loyalty.  And when I realize I have been used?  It has to be over.  I cannot go back.

So, for posterity, here are the things that have run through my mind.

-She uses men. She will SWF herself into their lives.  How did she do this?  She co-opted my movie nights with him.  She acted like she was excited about these movies. But then when alone with me?  She would not watch them.

-She did not tell me she was thinking about dating him or fucking him or whatever.  She just did it.  Who does that? In their 40’s?  Who does that to their best friend?  What psychotic narcissist does that?  Oh….wait….answered my own question.

-She told him to break up with his current gf.

-Him.  He used me to get to her.  The last year of my life, every time he asked to hang he wanted to see her.  And that hurts.  It hurts more than I can put into words.

-Again, he chose a woman that means I am cut out of his life. And I have to see the pattern and realize he is not the friend I thought he was.

-Ironically, she mentioned to me that she thought the last gf was trying to cut me out of his life.  She was angling to get me to push the breakup.  Fucking. Cunt.

What I need to do is mourn and move on.  I need to really think about why I let these types of people into my life.  I DO have friends that are real and supportive. I need to really lean into those friendships (and I have) and make some new friends.  Which is an awesome idea when my body is in a constant state of PMS.

But it IS time to cry it out and let it go.  I cannot change the past.  I was open and trusting with these people and they chose these paths.  I consider it betrayal. They consider it Friday night, what’s the big deal?

I may compose some letters and post them here.  I do not want to engage.  I just want peace.  —————–

In other news:  The One that got away blocked me on FB.  For no apparent reason that I can see.  And the Tattooed Exec and I chatted briefly this week.

The chronic illness is back with 2 episodes in the last month.  And a yeast infection, probably from not having my period in 3 months. And a horrible break out that drove me to the dermatologist.  My poor body is miserable.  I am doing my best to get it back to healthy.

Menopause

I am 41 years old and 9 months.  And in the last 4 months my body has gone from normal straight into menopause.

I went from horny to “sex?  meh”.  I am exhausted all the time.  I have no energy.  No joy.  Foul mood all the time.  On the edge of tears all the time.

I have skipped 2 periods of the last 5.  I am convinced one of my ovaries has given up the ghost.  I went in and was told perimenopausal but my hormones are about non existent.

Fuck.

I thought I had more time.