Advice for my younger self

I am on a little jaunt of self discovery today.  Or….I am thinking about discovering some self. It feels good.  I feel ready for growth.

I am reading and popping around the internet and I see an author writing some advice to their younger self. And I wonder what would I tell me from the advanced age of almost 42?

Sex:  Have more of it.  Be more open.  Less worried about what it means (to you and about you).  Experiment.

Body:  Love it.  It is all you have.  It will never be perfect but it will be perfectly you and others will love it just as it is.

Love: Seek it out.  Be open.  Take what love is given to you and return it in the best way you can.

Go to college.  Use a condom.  Ask more questions.  Take your health seriously.  Find things you love and let them enrich your life.  Do not be afraid to trust.  Or be hurt.  It will happen anyway.  And it is not a reflection on you.

Perfect does not exist.  Stop striving for it.  Stop taking everything as a criticism.  It is an opinion.  Grow.  Learn.  Make more mistakes.

Believe.  That you are beautiful and worthy and lovable. In miracles and good things.

Let things go.  Not everything is meant to be forever and that is ok.  Wish it well and move on.  Continue on your own path.

And no matter what know you will be ok.  You are a survivor.  And you will always find a way.

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New Year New You

Nah…it is always the same me.  Much as I would love to wake up that calm woman.  The one who exudes warmth and comfort and confidence.  Not the prickly woman I am, afraid of being hurt again.

Your heart expands when it’s broken.

A shattered heart mends but it has stretched. The stretching creates room for even more love. In fact, the loveliest people are the ones who’ve been burnt and broken and torn at the seams, yet still send their open hearts into the world to mend with love again and again, and again.

I found that here.

And there is the goal.  Love more, harder, better.  Believe you deserve the love that is returned.  KNOW you are worthy of love.

So, this whole thing is going sideways.  I have no idea what I came here to talk about.

I might have come across rude to someone I am supposed to go out with.  Part of me feels bad, part feels like he is not getting I was kidding.  Most of me does not feel like explaining if he is butt hurt already.

A deal fell apart today.  One I needed.  I needed the money.  So, being broke is fun.

In the middle of all this I am cleaning up my text messages and deleting whole threads.  I delete the attorney in the whole thing.  And then I get a text about 5 minutes later “A”.  That is it.  WTF?  I ignore it for a bit.  Then delete it too because I do not have the energy.  If he felt bad about forgetting my birthday he should have CALLED when he figured it out. Instead I got “I totally forgot to calendar it.  So sorry love”.  Not even hey, happy birthday.  I mean we are fucking.  And you cannot write down my birthday when I text you and invite, you say yes, I follow up with an email with details, you answer you will be there and then “forget”.

Or?  I just do not mean anything to you.  And I think there we have the truth.

And the sad part is it does not hurt.  What hurts in realizing I am unworthy.  That I do not deserve what everyone else has – to be special to someone.  Just one person.

So, what are my options?

Back off of dating.  Forget looking for someone to share this life with.  Concentrate on me and only me.  Learn to be content with my own company, my friends and my family.  Make new friends.  Expand my social circles.  Work on my business.  Volunteer?  Learn to swim and speed read.  Listen to books on tape and meditate.  Workout often.  Change my body.  Eat clean. Create strong boundaries about what I want and who I let in (meaning no more fuck buddies).  Stop giving power to others.  Make a schedule that works for me and only me.  Make a life list and start checking boxes.  Learn to accept that plans do not always work out as you want and the journey is all the sweeter for it.  Be open.  Let go of past hurts, wounds and scars.  They are a part of my story not a part of me.  Cry.  Go ahead and cry.

Pity party

My mother just emailed me and said I seem a bit high strung and is everything ok?

Nope.  Not even a little bit.

I spent 2 hours on skype with my best friend today.  Retelling the story of The Attorney, The Rapper, the ones in-between, the ones that went nowhere.  It was disheartening to realize I have made no progress this year in my life.  At all.  I am still pathetically single.  I am still 15 pounds heavier than I want to be.  I am lonely while being surrounded.  And mostly I am special to no one.

And it is the same.  The same as last year, and the year before, and every year all the way back to 1973.  Well, maybe I was special for awhile.  But once my brother came along…..well, he is all they ever really needed.  I am the consolation prize since he went off to live his big fancy life.

There are things I want in this life.  And I am not sure I am ever going to be in a position to have them.  I want to travel.  I want to love someone and be loved in return.  I want to not worry about money every moment of every day.  I want to be comfortable in my own skin.

Ok.  So, I hate a pity party.  Even when one has been brewing for weeks.  I NEED to cry right now.  But I also need to plan.

I need to use my gym membership more.  3 times a week.  MINIMUM.  4 is better.  Or every other day which would be 3 then 4 then 3 then 4.

I need to start walking.  I got the jawbone up24 and I am not moving enough AT ALL. Walk 2 times a week for now.  I can move it up in a few weeks.

Eat better.  I will feel better.  I will sleep better.  I will loon better.

Less eating out – it is too expensive and too many calories.

I am going to make a list of things to do at home – projects.  I will work on those instead of worrying about dating.

And I will work.  I will work a lot. I will get caught up on all the silly shit I tend to avoid doing.

Then, after the holidays, after I turn 41, after I get another year older, maybe I will think about dating again. But right now? I am not in the right head space.  I am still so hurt from the Attorney.  And so….offended from the Rapper.  And tired of not being good enough.  Tired of no one thinking I am worth the time to get to know.

Clear visions of the past

Tuesday I was supposed to meet with FT.  I canceled in a fit of RAGING PMS Monday night, changed my mind Tuesday but he was no longer available.

Last night, I was out with M of my Threesome and her bf who had just sent us to get 2 hour massages (divine) and was now plying us with nachos and tequila.  He was pitching me 2 business ideas not knowing I used to work in venture capital (in a support role, but there were so few of us in the company I heard a lot).

Anyway, he moved on to questioning me on FT.  And I said I should stay away from FT.  And I could not articulate why, but it got me thinking.

And true to form, I can wake up in the morning and know “why”.

When he was getting a divorce and was caught up in a weird push/pull relationship with his new Latina girlfriend (this is important only in that he loves women from Central and South America – he finds them passionate) I ended up his consolation prize as that relationship was not working out. [I am a pale redhead.  Pretty much the opposite of what he wants]

When he was married he used to invite me down even though I knew his wife never wanted me there.

And now?  With the new young Daily Method gf, he still sees me on occasion even when it upsets her.

And this morning I realized I am a function to him.  I am the longstanding “friend” he will not give up.  I stand for his independence.  And I am what he uses to lightly threaten the women in his life.  He “might have options” he is telling them?  Or there are other women he can confide in?  Ones that might understand him?   Or he is telling them he cannot be controlled? v And they all react.  And he ignores it.

And it used to make me feel special.  But I have realized I am not special to him.   I serve a purpose.  And I need to be the one to stop it.  He will never be what I want him to be and I will never be enough for him.  Even if I was enough and he did want me, he would find another “me” to use for his purposes.  Maybe one not as solid in her morals and ethics (as I am not messing around with him. The women in his life are actually very safe when he is with me).

So.  I am staying away.  No more “I need to talk” emails.  No more, no more, no more.

Mentors

This is from facebook:

Beloveds- I love this poem, and I read it as a conversation between a dying friend and one she’s leaving behind.

In the end, we’ll admit this is all we ever wanted. I want us all to be able to say: “I did.”

Late Fragment

And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.

Raymond Carver

This year has very much been about finding the voices I want to listen to.  Those who can verbalize what I am feeling and tell me I am not alone.  Glennon is just one person that makes my scared (non religious) Sunday’s so special to me.