How does one become happy when they are not feeling it?

I am lonely yet annoyed with most people.  I am looking for someone to fill the hole and I know no one can. *I* have to fill the holes.  I have to make myself feel better.

Ugh.  Meditation?  Journaling gratitudes?


Air from the Tattoo exec.  I am 99% sure his ex gf is back on his FB.  He is all over someone else’s page.

I need to let that go.  The timing was not right so it is not right.  Move on.


The heart RN is AWOL.

And there is no one else.

I need to meet new people.



My life has never been a straight line.  Always taking the harder, longer route.  But now?  Circles.  My life is circles.  Everything comes back.  Especially men.

1) This one wants to be friends on FB? WTF? He is still married.

2) Jui Jitsu boy also wants to be friends on FB.  Has a new gf.

3) The Tattoo Exec sent me an email.  Screenshot_2015-07-21-16-21-142

The whole thing just made me mad.  At no point was I thinking about missing him.  He is a very attractive man.  We maybe should have dated.  But I am still bent.  And I feel like he is replaceable.  I can find another tattooed guy who likes me more than I like him. Easy.

4) The Heart Rn moved closer to me.  I have seen him twice since he moved.  Both times we fuck 3 or 4 times.  It is getting better.  He wants me to be his stand in summer gf.  With an option to renew for the holidays.  This confuses me.  Are you actually interested?  He wanted to cuddle the other night. Which led to him going down on me and talking me into sex.  I had already said no.  But….eh….whatever.

I think that is enough men coming back into my life for one month.

Trying to explain

This just came up on my fb feed.

Right after I finish a lament on the phone about this funk that will not go away, this video pops up.  I ended up cancelling plans last night to see Gone Girl (which I am dying to see) because I was super irritated that BFF wanted me to drive up towards her AGAIN.  When I have free tickets down here.  THEN I proceeded to cry 4 times.  For no real reason.

This morning I took a pregnancy test just in case.  I mean I have had my period since banging the nurse but was it a period?  Your mind starts to fuck with you. And then you read lists of pregnancy symptoms – headache?  I had a headache for 3 days!  I NEVER get headaches!  Tender boobs?  Well, sort of.  Late period?  Yes, barely.  Emotional? OMG!  Yes yes, yes.  Implantation bleeding? FUCK!

The test had expired but it said no.  I am going to assume it was right and my period will be here any minute.

Is it hormones?  Is it hormones and something else?

My own explanation is I am not feeling connected to anyone. The endless dating of this year has only shown me how disconnected I am and keeps proving over and over that no one WANTS to connect with me.  Maybe sexually, sure.  But not emotionally.  No one wants me to be “their lobster“. [Oh lord, the song at the end is PAINFUL.]

Connection has been the theme this year.  I am looking for a partner.  Someone who is always on my side as I am on theirs.  I really thought the attorney and I could get to that place.  The ingredients were there.  Well, most of them.  Turns out, that is not really what he was looking for.

I think I fell in love a little bit.  I was in awe of him and of how I looked in his eyes. Maybe I am still mourning it.  Maybe the fact that he is not on any of the dating sites (that I can find) makes me hope he is coming back, when I really, really need to let it go.

And true to form I wonder what can I do to fix this?  I want to feel like me!  I want to be able to go out and do stuff and stop feeling like everything social is a chore.

I want to be happy.  Or at least ENJOY things.  I do not enjoy much these days.

Out of curiosity, I went back to figure out when the Attorney and I stopped and when the funk started.  Pretty much the same time.  I went from the Attorney to the rapper (who is a mind fuck in so many ways – and definitely NOT good for connection) and sleeping with the nurse (3 times, I think he went back to dating the 27 year old).

Ok.  So – mourn.  Be in a funk. But I need to get over it soon.  I need to get in shape for December vacation. I need to make money and I make more money when I am happy!

The malcontent (that would be me)

The Rapper:

We had it out.

I texted him yesterday that is made me sad that he was going to blow of a good friend because of sex.  When what he needs is someone on his side.

He calls.  And we have a good chat.  He speaks well.  Odd for a rapper guy, huh?

We “made up”.  I understand the sexy talk the night before led him to believe we were banging.  While in my head it was never an option.  He admitted he acted like a spoiled child.

We texted last night and it did not go well.  I texted him this morning and asked him to come over tonight.  We will see if he does.

The Heart Nurse:

He came over late last week and we had some pretty good sex (third time).  I have never loved giving a bj. It is not my thing.  Boys stink and I have a good gag reflex.  And a small mouth.  Ask my dentist.  But I was a good girl and after standing there fondling each other I dropped to my knees.  Still not my fave thing.  But because I do not care if he likes it or not, I think I am actually better at it.

Once done, he had forgotten an appointment and rushed out.  In between we talked about dating.

His bday was yesterday.  FB told me.  I had no idea. I texted him that maybe I should have let him take the video he wanted since it was his bday.  We made plans to fuck today.  But then he went out to dinner last night with some young thing he used to date.

Now I am bent out of shape and wondering if I should skip.  I am not jealous.  I am more cautious.  And why does SHE get the bday?  He could have invited me out.

Whatever.  I do not want to date him.  I just don’t like feeling like a dirty little secret.

New dates:

The Car Entrepreneur.  48.  VERY attractive in a lanky easy way.  We met after his business trip.  He likes my ideas to use t!inder pics – an idea my gf’s and I came up with.  He has 3 kids and a Hahvahd grad almost ex wife.  Not sure I am in him league.

The MBA guy: Tall, interesting, very smart.  Religious background.  2 divorces.  He liked me. But I wonder if he doesn’t like what he considers “wild” women.  He did once marry a stripper.

I heard from the car guy after.  Quick post date exchange with the MBA .  No idea if I will see either again.  But I am curious about both.

The rapper

2010 I was head over heels after one super drunken date.  He stole things I said about him and put them in his dating profile.  He threatened to call the cops on me for stalking.  For sending him one drunken text message.  Um….I know where you live and I have not driven anywhere near your place so how is ONE text message stalking?  Dumb fuck.

2014 He adds me on FB and wants to be FwB.  I say no.

He posts something about a speedbump derailing him again (on fb).  Then a reference to it being a redhead.  I figured it was his ex.  But a week later I scroll through the pics and she was blond.  It cannot be me. There is no way it is me.  Right?  Total coincidence?  (He asked 7.28 and the post was 7.29).

I drunkenly send him a Happy Bday on fb.  He says “c’mere”.  And I melt.  Is there anything hotter than “c’mere”.  Shit.  Fucking hormones.

I am back to knowing we could be good together.  But it is not meant to be.  He has some major shit.  But he is one who would know how to work me.  Scary and tantalizing all at the same time.


Meanwhile I just basically had sex with the Heart RN.  Another one 5 years in the making.   And he is so clearly not into me.  We do not know how to deal with each other on a romantic level.  I am done.