Finding center

I think my 2016 resolution needs to be to stop with the FB stalking.  Delete all the links, the bookmarks and just not give  a fuck anymore.

**

Ex bf posted a shirtless pic of himself.  WTF?  Too old. Not hot enough.  And who works out in jeans?

**

Tattoo Exec is def friends with the gf again.  And it makes it easier to let it all go.  If he wants to be friends with that mess (or more than friends) and not someone like me then he is not someone I need in my life.

**

I had a date last night with a the Engineer Biz Exec.  48.  Bald.  5’11 (heh….I am not so convinced).  Owns a home (finally).

We had a good phone convo this week.  But he told be about all the of “beautiful” women he has been out with.  So he is surfacey.  Which is so not me.

We met after his xmas party and an ugly sweater party I was attending. He was sort of a dick.  Very brusque.  Talked about being a hardass at work too much.  Told me the same stories of how many eligible women were not on M@tch (very engineer like, data mining, stats, etc.)  Asked me multiple times what I was doing this weekend but did not want to make plans.  He had half a glass of wine which was lame.  I had a glass of sparkling.  So we were out for an hour.

He wants one of those gals who look amazing and get the rich husbands.  He wants a trophy wife.  Except he does not want to be used for his money.  He wants the smart trophy wife with a career.  A good career.  Snort.  Good luck with that.  I am sure they exist but I am not sure how many he will find.

Walked me to my car and was totally checking out my ass when I was opening the door. Whatever.

I did not look up his house or how much he paid or who his agent was.  Yay me.  No stalking!

**

Sigh….yeah, maybe it is time to delete it all.  The thing is none of it makes me feel better.  So fuck it.  Let it all go.  Let them all go.

Boring but posting

Life is dull. But I think I want to post more.  Then maybe I will find remember the fun and the good times I do have instead of feeling like all I do is hide.

I need to branch out and make new friends. I need real ones.  I have real ones but they are not local.  Having lost my 2 best friends to their fucking…..I am sort of lost.

I need people to force me to go out.  Because my default is to stay home in my pjs.

The good?  I am feeling better!  Finally!  I think I need to find a way to work out.  The time change is not helping that, nor is the fact that I am BROKE.

The bad?  Work got fucked.  I do not even want to rehash it all.  But I went from making $200K to maybe $140K.  Is that bad? Only because I have nothing saved (bought a car cash which was necessary) and have not paid any 2015 taxes yet.  Sigh….the pipeline is there.  I should be ok.  But I made some financial decisions based on the fact that I was going to have money coming in and it fizzled.

Gratitude?  I need to feel grateful. Which is not easy when I am probably in the middle of PMS.  😉  So what am I grateful for?  The rain yesterday.  We need it.  Getting things done for the class I have now taken twice (work based).  Coloring.  If you try this DO NOT look on Pinterest for what others are doing.  But I am loving blending (4 types of) colored pencils and creating pretty things.  Am I super artsy? Not really.  I had talent when I was younger. I might take something up again.  My sex drive is back?  Or it was.  PMS = meh but this month I did feel normal.

One

There is something inherently sad to be having the best day of your career and no one to celebrate it with.

FFGD popped up again yesterday and I pretty much shut that shit down.  Keep your open relationships….I am not down with seeing pics of your cock in some ugly girls mouth. Enjoy it!  But I cannot be a part of it.

And the sad part is I miss the talking.  We chatted a lot.  There were aspects that appealed to me.  But overall it was going to make me feel worse about myself.

MrMBA scored major points yesterday by texting me as he dropped his kids off and asked to hang out.  Then 2 hours later cancelled – supposed kid stuff.  Asked if I was free tonight (Thurs).  I said I was.  Later, I texted him that I was selling like a madwoman and in the middle of negotiations and that it was good that he had cancelled. No response.

At all.

Finally at 6 today I texted “Haven’t heard from you since noon yesterday.  I assume you are still busy”.  And got some lame response.

I am so tired of being disappointed by men. Especially when my expectations are so low already.

So, here I sit in my underwear.   Alone.  Having done 2 months of work  (income wise) in one day.  And no one to call.  No one to celebrate it with.  Just me and a movie and quesadillas.

I do it to myself.  Because what I want does not exist.  There is no strong man who will be by my side in this life.   One who can tell me I did a good job. And comfort me when I feel “less than”.   They all want something different.  Someone different.  And it might be easier to handle.  But I am not ugly.  I am funny. And smart.  And charming.  And successful/driven enough.  But still not good enough.  Not good enough.

Breaks

As I am known to do, I have pulled myself from all the dating sites after an epic (private) melt down.

FFGD:  He got under my skin quickly.  And I was vulnerable. But it was all talk.  We seemed to have come to some sort of bargain last week – he can push my boundaries if I can push his.  Only then he disappeared all weekend.  I sent him a text that I had gotten a major task done, one he was well aware of and air.  The strangest part is when he surfaces he doesn’t reference my last 2 texts OR apologize in some way for the lack of communication.

He is asserting his boundaries.  And he thinks he is in control.  Only I am over it.  So I ended it.

Let me also note he has a tumblr.  A 40 year old man has a tumblr and I know damn well which girl he had his dick in.  And it is not jealousy I feel.  It is…..inadequacy?  I don’t know.  I told him there is nothing I bring to the table that he does not already have access to so why bother?  All of his “You’re different” talk is bullshit and I just don’t need to be placated right now.

I need someone on my side or I need nothing at all.

MBA: He spent the night Thursday.  And we had a good time (no sex).  But his communication is also off.   He is more the lazy responder.  He checks in on occasion, but…..again, we are striving for intimacy here, and he is not sharing his wins and losses or even his WTF moments of the day.

I may let him go too.

Mostly, I am busy at work and not sleeping much.  I am stressed.  And not in a bad way just in a “when do I have time to go to the gym” way. I am tired.  Dating exhausts me. And I hate that I crave male attention at all.  It is such a waste  of my energy because I am not “loveable”.  Not like that.  Not enough of anything to be special to someone.  So, again, I give up.  I hate to be a quitter.  But better to focus on the good things – work, working out, reading, cleaning house, nourishing my body,  heart and soul.

The facebook age

I am a pretty good facebook stalker.  Nothing bothers me more than someone who does not post anything.

In a fit of boredom I looked up the Tattooed Exec.  He had broken up our friendship in June after a drunken night.  In my recollection he was telling me he was not going to have a girlfriend for a year.  Typical of me, not thinking if he had a gf I would then not get my free Thursday night drinks, I tell him not to box himself in.  Just go with it.  Enjoy (he was finalizing a divorce) but do not put stupid rules on yourself.

Somehow, some way, I pissed him off.  And he threw a tantrum.

 

  • Me

    Wow. What did I say that you defriended me on facebook? In my mind I said do not limit yourself because of your past. Do not choose to be alone because you acted in a certain way 10 years ago. You are different now. Now…was I fucking drunk? Yes. But goddamn, TE. Do you think maybe you were a little sensitive last weenend?

  • It takes a lot for me for me to get that way. Don’t need that drama from anyone right now. And even in this message again you still feel the need to criticize me. My feeling is that type of night will just happen again.

  • Great. Nuff said. One thinks they are telling someone to be open and happy and….I am not sure what you heard, but I have listened to every thing you have said and opted to not take it as a critique on my life. Have a good one.

 

Anyway….he was telling me based on who he was 10 years ago he should not date.  And what do I find on facebook?  A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND. And from the looks of it, he had her by July.

And I am the asshole?  REALLY?  I have been really pissy about it for a few days.  I unblocked him (barely remember doing that) and put a public rant on there that he may see someday.

**

A guy who wants to take me out this weekend posts an article about 2 weeks ago “How to Tell if You are in Love”.  And friends his ex gf (who lives out of state but a short flight).

That is going to be an interesting dinner.

41

So. I am 41. And I am not any better off than I was when I turned 40.  Actually at 40 I had money in the bank.  Right now I have about $40 and my next check is in peril of not happening.

I had started hanging out with the attorney again.  And he says he is taking 3 weeks off of work this month but does not see me before I leave town for the British West Indies.  I send him a pic from the app we used when he traveled outside the country.  Air.  I do go back and forth a bit with him via text as I travel home.

Before I left I had invited him to my bday shindig.  10 people total taking a tour of a porn studio.  Fun, right?  He says he will be there!

Only he no shows.  I knew by mid day that he was going to forget.  And I just didn’t want to have to remind him.  I started drinking at 5 and by 7:40 I text him: So I guess you’re not coming.  Wish I’d known so I could have invited another date.

Him:  What?

Me:  Wow.  Really?  [Sidebar:  Am I actually supposed to say you missed my motherfucking birthday?  The invite you responded to?  The one that said I had purchased tickets and wanted no gifts?  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?]

Next morning:

Him: I don’t know what u r talking about love.

So I send a screenshot of my fb page thanking everyone for the bday wishes.

And since?  AIR.

Unfuckingbelievable.  I was not actually pissed until I started writing it down.  Are ALL men this flakey?  Because the ones in my life are.  The Rapper (fucking train wreck), the Cop (working too much, too young), and the Attorney who has made it so clear I am a plaything.

I am taking a break from it all.

Circling back

I am supposed to be reading this book about gratitude. But I am woefully behind.

The second step was to get a rock and every night before bed hold the rock and think about all the good things that happened that day and choose the best.

The first day I was to do this was 11/9. I reached out to the attorney and got a response back of “Hi, Love”.

11/10 the best thing was chatting briefly with the attorney who was at a doc’s office for something serious that turned out to be nothing.

11/11 was a date with the Paul Walker Look Alike.  He is high energy and smart and educated and interesting and affectionate. We ended up at a dive bar with a blues band jam and he kissed my back (low v shirt in the back) and rubbed my neck and played with my hair.  We made out in the parking lot.  And other than fiddling with my hips (could not figure out what he was doing) it was nice.  Very nice.  I got some text from him today and we are working on a second date.

I had 2 dates yesterday – the first was ok, but he was short and a restaurant manager.  It wasn’t a match.

And today 11/12  I think OK guy is coming for xmas for the only purpose of giving me the best sexual experience of my life

Then I get a text AND a call from the rapper.  The one who told me he was deleting me from his phone and would never talk to me again.  He is hitting a new low.  And I have no idea why he turns to me, but he does.  I listened.  I texted some ideas this morning that might help his situation.  And I got no response.  So I texted again telling him not to ignore me after all that “woe is me” (his mother and aunt killed themselves so I am aware of his weakness in this department).  He finally answered he had been at the therapist that morning.  I have no idea what to do with him.

Over the weekend I had a great convo with Solar Guy (The Robot).  He has a gf.  I was depressed.

I might fuck the young cop.

And my period came 10 days early for no reason.  Am I getting old?  Is it the soy protein shakes I am having 6 times a week?  Ugh.  Fuck.

Trying to explain

This just came up on my fb feed.

Right after I finish a lament on the phone about this funk that will not go away, this video pops up.  I ended up cancelling plans last night to see Gone Girl (which I am dying to see) because I was super irritated that BFF wanted me to drive up towards her AGAIN.  When I have free tickets down here.  THEN I proceeded to cry 4 times.  For no real reason.

This morning I took a pregnancy test just in case.  I mean I have had my period since banging the nurse but was it a period?  Your mind starts to fuck with you. And then you read lists of pregnancy symptoms – headache?  I had a headache for 3 days!  I NEVER get headaches!  Tender boobs?  Well, sort of.  Late period?  Yes, barely.  Emotional? OMG!  Yes yes, yes.  Implantation bleeding? FUCK!

The test had expired but it said no.  I am going to assume it was right and my period will be here any minute.

Is it hormones?  Is it hormones and something else?

My own explanation is I am not feeling connected to anyone. The endless dating of this year has only shown me how disconnected I am and keeps proving over and over that no one WANTS to connect with me.  Maybe sexually, sure.  But not emotionally.  No one wants me to be “their lobster“. [Oh lord, the song at the end is PAINFUL.]

Connection has been the theme this year.  I am looking for a partner.  Someone who is always on my side as I am on theirs.  I really thought the attorney and I could get to that place.  The ingredients were there.  Well, most of them.  Turns out, that is not really what he was looking for.

I think I fell in love a little bit.  I was in awe of him and of how I looked in his eyes. Maybe I am still mourning it.  Maybe the fact that he is not on any of the dating sites (that I can find) makes me hope he is coming back, when I really, really need to let it go.

And true to form I wonder what can I do to fix this?  I want to feel like me!  I want to be able to go out and do stuff and stop feeling like everything social is a chore.

I want to be happy.  Or at least ENJOY things.  I do not enjoy much these days.

Out of curiosity, I went back to figure out when the Attorney and I stopped and when the funk started.  Pretty much the same time.  I went from the Attorney to the rapper (who is a mind fuck in so many ways – and definitely NOT good for connection) and sleeping with the nurse (3 times, I think he went back to dating the 27 year old).

Ok.  So – mourn.  Be in a funk. But I need to get over it soon.  I need to get in shape for December vacation. I need to make money and I make more money when I am happy!

Pity party

My mother just emailed me and said I seem a bit high strung and is everything ok?

Nope.  Not even a little bit.

I spent 2 hours on skype with my best friend today.  Retelling the story of The Attorney, The Rapper, the ones in-between, the ones that went nowhere.  It was disheartening to realize I have made no progress this year in my life.  At all.  I am still pathetically single.  I am still 15 pounds heavier than I want to be.  I am lonely while being surrounded.  And mostly I am special to no one.

And it is the same.  The same as last year, and the year before, and every year all the way back to 1973.  Well, maybe I was special for awhile.  But once my brother came along…..well, he is all they ever really needed.  I am the consolation prize since he went off to live his big fancy life.

There are things I want in this life.  And I am not sure I am ever going to be in a position to have them.  I want to travel.  I want to love someone and be loved in return.  I want to not worry about money every moment of every day.  I want to be comfortable in my own skin.

Ok.  So, I hate a pity party.  Even when one has been brewing for weeks.  I NEED to cry right now.  But I also need to plan.

I need to use my gym membership more.  3 times a week.  MINIMUM.  4 is better.  Or every other day which would be 3 then 4 then 3 then 4.

I need to start walking.  I got the jawbone up24 and I am not moving enough AT ALL. Walk 2 times a week for now.  I can move it up in a few weeks.

Eat better.  I will feel better.  I will sleep better.  I will loon better.

Less eating out – it is too expensive and too many calories.

I am going to make a list of things to do at home – projects.  I will work on those instead of worrying about dating.

And I will work.  I will work a lot. I will get caught up on all the silly shit I tend to avoid doing.

Then, after the holidays, after I turn 41, after I get another year older, maybe I will think about dating again. But right now? I am not in the right head space.  I am still so hurt from the Attorney.  And so….offended from the Rapper.  And tired of not being good enough.  Tired of no one thinking I am worth the time to get to know.