Abs McFlurry

He emails me from the middle of the state – far from me.  I know nothing of the town except there is a prison there.  I notice the short hair cut and assume prison guard and make a snarky response about him emailing me from jail.  He responds.  And so begins one of the most interesting months of my life.

We quickly go to text where his name comes through on my paid for caller ID.  Without using names (and I so, so, so want to use names) let’s say it comes across like Tony Tiger (only better) and he sends me this photo of his shirtless self – abs for days.

My immediate reaction is NOPE.  Never ever getting naked next to those abs.  And that the name and the abs probably mean I am getting catfished.  The name and abs scream porn star and if nothing else, I have an excellent story brewing.

To make a long, long story shorter I learn he is in the military.  Has advanced degrees.  Went to West Point.  [Most of this info google verified, so I was not getting catfished]  So out of my league.  But we keep chatting.  We talk on the phone multiple times a day.  It feels really good to connect with someone like that.

And I do that thing I never, ever do.  I get excited to meet him.  I feel barfy when I talk about him.   I worry I will not be skinny enough, pretty enough, typical insecure girl bullshit.  But I tell myself the connection is real and I cannot control the rest of it right now.

And then 2 days before we are supposed to meet he gets distant.  The tempo in the communication changes.

And he suddenly realizes if we like each other we are far apart – something I have  brought up multiple times – and he bails.

And I am crushed.  Mostly I am pissed at myself for hoping and wishing and dreaming I might find someone dynamic and smart.  Secretly wishing he might get a little dad bod going on because I could not keep up with the fitness levels.

And I am crushed because I know these connections are not common.  To meet someone who gets you is rare.  And knowing this happens to me only….once every other year or so?  And from the H site?  Now I truly feel sick.

I am trying to comfort myself by acknowledging my business is too crazy for me to leave on weekends, and that we hadn’t even met yet so he might not have even liked me, and that he might have been a shitty kisser with a super small ‘ween.  [He totally has micro-penis right?]  So far it is not working.

So I am just going to sit with the pain as it allows me to accept that part of me that is lonely and really does want to be loved for who I am.  I ignore those feelings a lot…the fear I am unlovable.   And I am going to learn from this that Mr. Amazing might be around the next corner and I need to get my body to a place where I am comfortable with it (10 lbs and more frequent gym visits would do the trick – nothing major).

Maybe a trip to the woo woo is needed.  I am going to make $40K in the next month but do not have a ton of cash on hand right now.

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To let me dangle at a cruel angle…

I am supposed to be sleeping.

Instead dramatic songs run through my head.

And, as always, useless thoughts.

I was telling the story of this weekend to a friend at work.  And I was trying to explain my unease with what has happened.  “I do not DO casual”, I said, “I am lean more intense.  I do not like small talk.  I want genuine connection”.

And that sums me up.  I have always been someone who has people in the inner circle, where I can be 100% me with no fall out or  those not in the inner circle – “casual” –  and then I give 2 fucks about what you think about me.  Which is actually  lie.  I must care because I treat those people politely but with distance.

This is my issue with TE.  We were never casual. Until we made out. And I realize this is not an accurate portrayal as we just got back in touch.  But this is the struggle – I know what we were when we were just friends last year.  So I FEEL the difference.

And I will always fall back on a man who does not make sure you are not out with others really is not interested in you.  And I despise that it brings out the brat in me that wants to prove I have plenty of other shit to be doing.  So immature.

I am remaining mostly zen.  I am just laying is bed and thinking. I figured I would write this down and let it go for the night.  Because I cannot make him act like I want him to.   I hate that I am better off playing some game.  It is stupid to play a game when we used to text all day every day.

41 years old and still ensconced in HS bullshit it feels like.

It occurs to me I am as fragile as I have ever been in my entire life.  I spend my days keeping my emotions in check and it is exhausting. So the above lack of care of me as a whole person really sets me off right now.  And I can understand he has his own issues to deal with.  But no one else is going to care for me, so I have to be my own zealous protector right now.

**

This is the best thing I have ever written about myself (to Shop Owner)

And I like this version of me, she is perfectly imperfect.  She is fiercely loyal and surrounded by amazing people.  She loves really hard, works really hard, and has so much joy and laughter in her life.  She cherishes the small things and lives in awe of the world

I want to find her again.