To let me dangle at a cruel angle…

I am supposed to be sleeping.

Instead dramatic songs run through my head.

And, as always, useless thoughts.

I was telling the story of this weekend to a friend at work.  And I was trying to explain my unease with what has happened.  “I do not DO casual”, I said, “I am lean more intense.  I do not like small talk.  I want genuine connection”.

And that sums me up.  I have always been someone who has people in the inner circle, where I can be 100% me with no fall out or  those not in the inner circle – “casual” –  and then I give 2 fucks about what you think about me.  Which is actually  lie.  I must care because I treat those people politely but with distance.

This is my issue with TE.  We were never casual. Until we made out. And I realize this is not an accurate portrayal as we just got back in touch.  But this is the struggle – I know what we were when we were just friends last year.  So I FEEL the difference.

And I will always fall back on a man who does not make sure you are not out with others really is not interested in you.  And I despise that it brings out the brat in me that wants to prove I have plenty of other shit to be doing.  So immature.

I am remaining mostly zen.  I am just laying is bed and thinking. I figured I would write this down and let it go for the night.  Because I cannot make him act like I want him to.   I hate that I am better off playing some game.  It is stupid to play a game when we used to text all day every day.

41 years old and still ensconced in HS bullshit it feels like.

It occurs to me I am as fragile as I have ever been in my entire life.  I spend my days keeping my emotions in check and it is exhausting. So the above lack of care of me as a whole person really sets me off right now.  And I can understand he has his own issues to deal with.  But no one else is going to care for me, so I have to be my own zealous protector right now.

**

This is the best thing I have ever written about myself (to Shop Owner)

And I like this version of me, she is perfectly imperfect.  She is fiercely loyal and surrounded by amazing people.  She loves really hard, works really hard, and has so much joy and laughter in her life.  She cherishes the small things and lives in awe of the world

I want to find her again.

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