I have spent a lot of time thinking about my supposed best friend and N. I debate if I am in the wrong. I wonder if I am the horrible person.
What I am is someone who values trust and loyalty. And when I realize I have been used? It has to be over. I cannot go back.
So, for posterity, here are the things that have run through my mind.
-She uses men. She will SWF herself into their lives. How did she do this? She co-opted my movie nights with him. She acted like she was excited about these movies. But then when alone with me? She would not watch them.
-She did not tell me she was thinking about dating him or fucking him or whatever. She just did it. Who does that? In their 40’s? Who does that to their best friend? What psychotic narcissist does that? Oh….wait….answered my own question.
-She told him to break up with his current gf.
-Him. He used me to get to her. The last year of my life, every time he asked to hang he wanted to see her. And that hurts. It hurts more than I can put into words.
-Again, he chose a woman that means I am cut out of his life. And I have to see the pattern and realize he is not the friend I thought he was.
-Ironically, she mentioned to me that she thought the last gf was trying to cut me out of his life. She was angling to get me to push the breakup. Fucking. Cunt.
What I need to do is mourn and move on. I need to really think about why I let these types of people into my life. I DO have friends that are real and supportive. I need to really lean into those friendships (and I have) and make some new friends. Which is an awesome idea when my body is in a constant state of PMS.
But it IS time to cry it out and let it go. I cannot change the past. I was open and trusting with these people and they chose these paths. I consider it betrayal. They consider it Friday night, what’s the big deal?
I may compose some letters and post them here. I do not want to engage. I just want peace. —————–
In other news: The One that got away blocked me on FB. For no apparent reason that I can see. And the Tattooed Exec and I chatted briefly this week.
The chronic illness is back with 2 episodes in the last month. And a yeast infection, probably from not having my period in 3 months. And a horrible break out that drove me to the dermatologist. My poor body is miserable. I am doing my best to get it back to healthy.