As I am known to do, I have pulled myself from all the dating sites after an epic (private) melt down.
FFGD: He got under my skin quickly. And I was vulnerable. But it was all talk. We seemed to have come to some sort of bargain last week – he can push my boundaries if I can push his. Only then he disappeared all weekend. I sent him a text that I had gotten a major task done, one he was well aware of and air. The strangest part is when he surfaces he doesn’t reference my last 2 texts OR apologize in some way for the lack of communication.
He is asserting his boundaries. And he thinks he is in control. Only I am over it. So I ended it.
Let me also note he has a tumblr. A 40 year old man has a tumblr and I know damn well which girl he had his dick in. And it is not jealousy I feel. It is…..inadequacy? I don’t know. I told him there is nothing I bring to the table that he does not already have access to so why bother? All of his “You’re different” talk is bullshit and I just don’t need to be placated right now.
I need someone on my side or I need nothing at all.
MBA: He spent the night Thursday. And we had a good time (no sex). But his communication is also off. He is more the lazy responder. He checks in on occasion, but…..again, we are striving for intimacy here, and he is not sharing his wins and losses or even his WTF moments of the day.
I may let him go too.
Mostly, I am busy at work and not sleeping much. I am stressed. And not in a bad way just in a “when do I have time to go to the gym” way. I am tired. Dating exhausts me. And I hate that I crave male attention at all. It is such a waste of my energy because I am not “loveable”. Not like that. Not enough of anything to be special to someone. So, again, I give up. I hate to be a quitter. But better to focus on the good things – work, working out, reading, cleaning house, nourishing my body, heart and soul.