The first session FFGD

2.27.2015

Things got moved around and I ended up at his place around 5:30 on Friday.  Fancy high rise with a concierge and valet service.  His actual place is tiny.  And sparse.

We chat.  Too long.  I am nervous and cannot relax.  Or I do not know what to do/say/act.  Maybe that is more accurate – he does not “like” me so cuddling up is not an option.  This is not a relationship.  This is not falling in love.  This is…..well, I have no idea, so that is probably where the problem lies.

We start to talk about his past, his passions, his careers.  Super smart guy from a super smart family.  Black sheep. I make the comment “So, this pervy stuff is boredom?  An outlet since you are between projects?”  He agrees.  And asks me if I want to play.  “I don’t know”.  I wrinkle my brow at him.  “That is not a no” he says and pulls me from the couch.

He blindfolds me.  A flimsy thing. But I close my eyes anyway.  He uses leather cuffs and puts my hands behind my back.  He puts a collar on me.  I am not a fan, but I am not going to raise a stink.

He starts by moving around me  (I am standing) in circles.  His hands trailing around my body.  It is dizzying because he switches direction on occasion and I don’t really know where he is.  Just his hands.

Eventually he removes my shirt.  Then my bra.  My pants at some point.  He is smacking my ass.  It does not hurt.  He uses some little paddle (??) type things.  They do not really hurt either.  Except when he hits my nipples with them.  “What did they ever do to you?” I joke.  He slides his fingers into me and I suck in my breath. That is what I want.  Then he pulls my hair or the collar back restricting my air.  Not all of it.  But enough that it takes me out of the moment.

After a while he moves me to his couch and puts me on all fours.  He asks if I have a safe word and I say no.  He tells me he doesn’t need one and all I need to say is stop.

At some point he removes the blindfold.  He stands over me, or behind me, slapping my ass over and over.  At one point it really stings and brings a “fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck” from me.  He sits behind me running his hands up and down my back and sides.  I like that part.

His fingers are in me again.  He tells me I have a “cute asshole”.  I stop him from going there – not yet.  He shoves a thumb in my mouth while his fingers are in me.  Again, pulling me out of the moment because I am now thinking about the thumb.  Don’t mess with ADD girl, she cannot handle too much at one time. He pulls the collar again, restricting my breath more than before.  It does nothing for me.

I think he tries to tell me to leave.  And I must have waited a moment too long because now I am kneeling on the floor.  He removes the collar and reattaches my hands behind me.  I cannot remember what else he was doing but he does that thing that makes me squirt.  It isn’t a lot.  But there is it….dribbling down my leg.  (This is a new thing in my life to be discussed further at a later date).

His pants are undone.  I believe he wants me to suck him off. All I can think is “where has that been?”  He seems to have plenty of playmates that can work that out for him.

At some point he again tells me I am not a pet.  I tell him I do not know what that means.

We finish up.  I get dressed.  I cannot remember what was said, but he walks me down to get my car.

**

Aftermath:  It is Tuesday and my ass is still bruised.  It never really hurt.  But I am pale.  I fucked the Squirting Sheriff on Sunday and I had to tell him what I had done Friday. Awkward.  I find it awkward to be naked with a man who can see I was naked (but not fucking) another man.    I am sure there are people who think that is powerful, but it just seems trashy to me.

So how is that handled in this BDSM Poly lifestyle?

He tells me I am not meant to serve. So, this is why I am not a pet.  Then what am I?  Bored?    2015-03-03 20.07.552015-03-03 20.08.572015-03-03 20.10.45

I had another date today and he asked where I had been.  I did not mention I was with someone and he kept pressing until I told him.  He said I was holding back and it seemed deceitful.

Screenshot_2015-03-03-19-50-49-1I

I should preface that it he was not asking in a controlling way, but the continued questions trying to get me to say who I was with without asking me straight out was fucking annoying.  I think he is trying to get me to open up because he is used to this open relationship stuff. But I am not.  And I will not be rushed.

I found this book on Sunday.  Read it in one night.  While I am not convinced any part of this lifestyle is for me, this book did solidify some things. I am not submissive in my life.  I am the opposite.  Not dominating, but in control.  And this made me realize I do want to find someone to adore.  Who I do not have to be strong with, can allow to take over, control, deal with things I do not want to.

If FFGD thinks I will submit solely because he wills it, he is in for a surprise.  I need explanation.  I need to know why something is important to you or why you think it should be important to me.  Be open to a debate about it.  Let me hash it out in my own head and accept it – not because it is the “way it is done”.  The way to me is to make me want to submit – be so amazing, protecting, smart, successful that I cannot question your ability to deal with me (who is not easy).  And life.  And I think this open relationship status would hinder that greatly.  Because I am not sure I can trust you when you are doing whatever it is you do (fucking?) other women (and maybe men?).  I do not know how you make me feel special enough to get past that wall.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s