Written 2.22.15

So I’ve been consulting a fetishist and Dom about my curiosities in the sex realm.

What are my issues with is?
1) the name.  He introduces himself to me as one name. And when we meet he introduces himself to the bartender as another.  A name I already knew because duh, I’m me.  But who am I dealing with?

Why does this bother me?  Because I only have 1 identity.  I deal with everyone as myself.  And I am genuinely me at all times.  Maybe different facets of me, but ME.

The goal here is to quickly let my guard down and let him in to get past the walls and the protection.  Which he is good at.  But I don’t want to bare my soul to a stranger.
And Name #1 is the name he uses to protect his true identity/self(??).  Regardless, he creates another persona to do this stuff.  I’m not comfortable opening up to someone who is protected.  If you want me at my most vulnerable I need to know you’re capable of it too.  Because I only have the power to be me.  And most days I’m not even good at that.

2) the pets.  I’m not totally clear on all the definitions here.  But these tend to be women who want some sort of gratification, sexual or otherwise.  Again, I haven’t had opportunity to ask a lot of questions because I don’t feel comfortable asking these things on text…when you’ve only got words and no context, facial expressions, shit….no physical touching that I always find a comfort.  (That is the lamest statement ever.  I want comfort from a man i do not know who is intimately involved with dominating other women.  What the ever loving fuck is wrong with me?  Do I complicate everything?)

I’m not jealous – it’s not my thing.  But I’m not a fan of being one of the crowd.  I like to be special, unique.

3) He alludes to me not being a pet but an equal.  And what am I to do with this info?  Because in the same breath he tells me he brings the pets fantasies to life.  So now my head is spinning. Can I believe anything he says at all?  Do I feel like I’m being bullshitted?  Mostly no.  But….he might be good.  He might be better than my bullshit meter (and we know how sensitive that is).  But can we see he has addressed the concern above?  Is he that good?  I have no real fantasy about this.  I’m actively reminding myself at all times that this is not to be romanticized (and let’s face it, I don’t do romance anyway).  Use it for what it is.  An exploration.  He is a guide.  He is a guide that is not showing me where we are going.  (And then my insecurity pops up and I’m screaming “because he has his playthings and he doesn’t need silly little you and dipping your toe in the water”).

4) The roller coaster.  One minute I’m basking in his attention and the next I’m brutally reminded of reality.  Reality is we were supposed to hang out Saturday night.  I don’t hear from him before 8 but he has liked a photo of mine on tinder at 3.  Clearly I’m not a factor.  Because I don’t deserve a note that says “I’m ruined.  Can’t make tonight happen”.  This of course sets me off.  Respect of my time is a huge thing for me.  And I talk myself through it because I might need this.  I might need to learn to let go.  To let all of those prickly parts of myself dull.  I remind myself he owes me nothing.  But when he owes me nothing, my default becomes I owe him nothing too.  Never a good place for me to be.  I don’t like vindictive me.

5) The crying.  This whole thing has me so far in my own head I can’t see straight.  I’m on the verge of tears.  Vulnerable?  Shit.  Raw and naked and exposed and this is all my own doing as I’m trying to quash my natural reactions and be open to learning.

All this and he hasn’t even touched me.  This is fucked.  This is really fucked.  But I think I keep hoping to get close because I do best when touching someone.  It calms me.  It shows me something to believe.  And right now all I’ve got is text.  But he chose not to contact me Saturday and when I try to hang tonight I get weird texts.

I think I should let this go.  Find something/someone else to occupy my time.  I don’t think I belong here.

2.26.15  I am seeing him tonight.

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