New Year New You

Nah…it is always the same me.  Much as I would love to wake up that calm woman.  The one who exudes warmth and comfort and confidence.  Not the prickly woman I am, afraid of being hurt again.

Your heart expands when it’s broken.

A shattered heart mends but it has stretched. The stretching creates room for even more love. In fact, the loveliest people are the ones who’ve been burnt and broken and torn at the seams, yet still send their open hearts into the world to mend with love again and again, and again.

I found that here.

And there is the goal.  Love more, harder, better.  Believe you deserve the love that is returned.  KNOW you are worthy of love.

So, this whole thing is going sideways.  I have no idea what I came here to talk about.

I might have come across rude to someone I am supposed to go out with.  Part of me feels bad, part feels like he is not getting I was kidding.  Most of me does not feel like explaining if he is butt hurt already.

A deal fell apart today.  One I needed.  I needed the money.  So, being broke is fun.

In the middle of all this I am cleaning up my text messages and deleting whole threads.  I delete the attorney in the whole thing.  And then I get a text about 5 minutes later “A”.  That is it.  WTF?  I ignore it for a bit.  Then delete it too because I do not have the energy.  If he felt bad about forgetting my birthday he should have CALLED when he figured it out. Instead I got “I totally forgot to calendar it.  So sorry love”.  Not even hey, happy birthday.  I mean we are fucking.  And you cannot write down my birthday when I text you and invite, you say yes, I follow up with an email with details, you answer you will be there and then “forget”.

Or?  I just do not mean anything to you.  And I think there we have the truth.

And the sad part is it does not hurt.  What hurts in realizing I am unworthy.  That I do not deserve what everyone else has – to be special to someone.  Just one person.

So, what are my options?

Back off of dating.  Forget looking for someone to share this life with.  Concentrate on me and only me.  Learn to be content with my own company, my friends and my family.  Make new friends.  Expand my social circles.  Work on my business.  Volunteer?  Learn to swim and speed read.  Listen to books on tape and meditate.  Workout often.  Change my body.  Eat clean. Create strong boundaries about what I want and who I let in (meaning no more fuck buddies).  Stop giving power to others.  Make a schedule that works for me and only me.  Make a life list and start checking boxes.  Learn to accept that plans do not always work out as you want and the journey is all the sweeter for it.  Be open.  Let go of past hurts, wounds and scars.  They are a part of my story not a part of me.  Cry.  Go ahead and cry.

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