This just came up on my fb feed.
Right after I finish a lament on the phone about this funk that will not go away, this video pops up. I ended up cancelling plans last night to see Gone Girl (which I am dying to see) because I was super irritated that BFF wanted me to drive up towards her AGAIN. When I have free tickets down here. THEN I proceeded to cry 4 times. For no real reason.
This morning I took a pregnancy test just in case. I mean I have had my period since banging the nurse but was it a period? Your mind starts to fuck with you. And then you read lists of pregnancy symptoms – headache? I had a headache for 3 days! I NEVER get headaches! Tender boobs? Well, sort of. Late period? Yes, barely. Emotional? OMG! Yes yes, yes. Implantation bleeding? FUCK!
The test had expired but it said no. I am going to assume it was right and my period will be here any minute.
Is it hormones? Is it hormones and something else?
My own explanation is I am not feeling connected to anyone. The endless dating of this year has only shown me how disconnected I am and keeps proving over and over that no one WANTS to connect with me. Maybe sexually, sure. But not emotionally. No one wants me to be “their lobster“. [Oh lord, the song at the end is PAINFUL.]
Connection has been the theme this year. I am looking for a partner. Someone who is always on my side as I am on theirs. I really thought the attorney and I could get to that place. The ingredients were there. Well, most of them. Turns out, that is not really what he was looking for.
I think I fell in love a little bit. I was in awe of him and of how I looked in his eyes. Maybe I am still mourning it. Maybe the fact that he is not on any of the dating sites (that I can find) makes me hope he is coming back, when I really, really need to let it go.
And true to form I wonder what can I do to fix this? I want to feel like me! I want to be able to go out and do stuff and stop feeling like everything social is a chore.
I want to be happy. Or at least ENJOY things. I do not enjoy much these days.
Out of curiosity, I went back to figure out when the Attorney and I stopped and when the funk started. Pretty much the same time. I went from the Attorney to the rapper (who is a mind fuck in so many ways – and definitely NOT good for connection) and sleeping with the nurse (3 times, I think he went back to dating the 27 year old).
Ok. So – mourn. Be in a funk. But I need to get over it soon. I need to get in shape for December vacation. I need to make money and I make more money when I am happy!