Trying to explain

This just came up on my fb feed.

Right after I finish a lament on the phone about this funk that will not go away, this video pops up.  I ended up cancelling plans last night to see Gone Girl (which I am dying to see) because I was super irritated that BFF wanted me to drive up towards her AGAIN.  When I have free tickets down here.  THEN I proceeded to cry 4 times.  For no real reason.

This morning I took a pregnancy test just in case.  I mean I have had my period since banging the nurse but was it a period?  Your mind starts to fuck with you. And then you read lists of pregnancy symptoms – headache?  I had a headache for 3 days!  I NEVER get headaches!  Tender boobs?  Well, sort of.  Late period?  Yes, barely.  Emotional? OMG!  Yes yes, yes.  Implantation bleeding? FUCK!

The test had expired but it said no.  I am going to assume it was right and my period will be here any minute.

Is it hormones?  Is it hormones and something else?

My own explanation is I am not feeling connected to anyone. The endless dating of this year has only shown me how disconnected I am and keeps proving over and over that no one WANTS to connect with me.  Maybe sexually, sure.  But not emotionally.  No one wants me to be “their lobster“. [Oh lord, the song at the end is PAINFUL.]

Connection has been the theme this year.  I am looking for a partner.  Someone who is always on my side as I am on theirs.  I really thought the attorney and I could get to that place.  The ingredients were there.  Well, most of them.  Turns out, that is not really what he was looking for.

I think I fell in love a little bit.  I was in awe of him and of how I looked in his eyes. Maybe I am still mourning it.  Maybe the fact that he is not on any of the dating sites (that I can find) makes me hope he is coming back, when I really, really need to let it go.

And true to form I wonder what can I do to fix this?  I want to feel like me!  I want to be able to go out and do stuff and stop feeling like everything social is a chore.

I want to be happy.  Or at least ENJOY things.  I do not enjoy much these days.

Out of curiosity, I went back to figure out when the Attorney and I stopped and when the funk started.  Pretty much the same time.  I went from the Attorney to the rapper (who is a mind fuck in so many ways – and definitely NOT good for connection) and sleeping with the nurse (3 times, I think he went back to dating the 27 year old).

Ok.  So – mourn.  Be in a funk. But I need to get over it soon.  I need to get in shape for December vacation. I need to make money and I make more money when I am happy!


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