Pity party

My mother just emailed me and said I seem a bit high strung and is everything ok?

Nope.  Not even a little bit.

I spent 2 hours on skype with my best friend today.  Retelling the story of The Attorney, The Rapper, the ones in-between, the ones that went nowhere.  It was disheartening to realize I have made no progress this year in my life.  At all.  I am still pathetically single.  I am still 15 pounds heavier than I want to be.  I am lonely while being surrounded.  And mostly I am special to no one.

And it is the same.  The same as last year, and the year before, and every year all the way back to 1973.  Well, maybe I was special for awhile.  But once my brother came along…..well, he is all they ever really needed.  I am the consolation prize since he went off to live his big fancy life.

There are things I want in this life.  And I am not sure I am ever going to be in a position to have them.  I want to travel.  I want to love someone and be loved in return.  I want to not worry about money every moment of every day.  I want to be comfortable in my own skin.

Ok.  So, I hate a pity party.  Even when one has been brewing for weeks.  I NEED to cry right now.  But I also need to plan.

I need to use my gym membership more.  3 times a week.  MINIMUM.  4 is better.  Or every other day which would be 3 then 4 then 3 then 4.

I need to start walking.  I got the jawbone up24 and I am not moving enough AT ALL. Walk 2 times a week for now.  I can move it up in a few weeks.

Eat better.  I will feel better.  I will sleep better.  I will loon better.

Less eating out – it is too expensive and too many calories.

I am going to make a list of things to do at home – projects.  I will work on those instead of worrying about dating.

And I will work.  I will work a lot. I will get caught up on all the silly shit I tend to avoid doing.

Then, after the holidays, after I turn 41, after I get another year older, maybe I will think about dating again. But right now? I am not in the right head space.  I am still so hurt from the Attorney.  And so….offended from the Rapper.  And tired of not being good enough.  Tired of no one thinking I am worth the time to get to know.


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