My mother just emailed me and said I seem a bit high strung and is everything ok?
Nope. Not even a little bit.
I spent 2 hours on skype with my best friend today. Retelling the story of The Attorney, The Rapper, the ones in-between, the ones that went nowhere. It was disheartening to realize I have made no progress this year in my life. At all. I am still pathetically single. I am still 15 pounds heavier than I want to be. I am lonely while being surrounded. And mostly I am special to no one.
And it is the same. The same as last year, and the year before, and every year all the way back to 1973. Well, maybe I was special for awhile. But once my brother came along…..well, he is all they ever really needed. I am the consolation prize since he went off to live his big fancy life.
There are things I want in this life. And I am not sure I am ever going to be in a position to have them. I want to travel. I want to love someone and be loved in return. I want to not worry about money every moment of every day. I want to be comfortable in my own skin.
Ok. So, I hate a pity party. Even when one has been brewing for weeks. I NEED to cry right now. But I also need to plan.
I need to use my gym membership more. 3 times a week. MINIMUM. 4 is better. Or every other day which would be 3 then 4 then 3 then 4.
I need to start walking. I got the jawbone up24 and I am not moving enough AT ALL. Walk 2 times a week for now. I can move it up in a few weeks.
Eat better. I will feel better. I will sleep better. I will loon better.
Less eating out – it is too expensive and too many calories.
I am going to make a list of things to do at home – projects. I will work on those instead of worrying about dating.
And I will work. I will work a lot. I will get caught up on all the silly shit I tend to avoid doing.
Then, after the holidays, after I turn 41, after I get another year older, maybe I will think about dating again. But right now? I am not in the right head space. I am still so hurt from the Attorney. And so….offended from the Rapper. And tired of not being good enough. Tired of no one thinking I am worth the time to get to know.