So tired. So annoyed. So used.

What a fucking waste.

The short version.  He says we need to do more date like stuff.  He asks me out of town this weekend.  He is 3 hours late (he did call but not til the time we were supposed to meet – I had not left the house).

I reach over and scratch his back. I reach out.  He does not.  He asks a lot of questions about what I do/like, but I get the feeling he isn’t really listening.

He tells me about the music.  And he seems to have traction.  The trip out of town would be to go record in a beach town.  It sounds lovely.

We discuss my business.  We discuss why his house is not in his name (his former in-laws are on title to avoid drama with the ex.  Whatever.  So many stories.  So many things that NEED explanation.  Nothing in my life needs to be explained).

He keeps saying “we” are nervous.  I am not nervous I keep telling him.  Not at all.  I am tired but I am not nervous.  WHY is he so nervous?

We go back to his house and he says I can spend the night and he will be a gentleman.  I change and wash my face. And finally I reach over and sort of shove my hand under him wanting contact.

He reaches over and softly starts messing with a boob.  It feels good but I tell him he has not even kissed me.  He grabs my hand and has me touch his cock which I am not really into.

He is then on me, kisses me twice and is frantically thrusting against me.  He keeps trying to get in my pants and he FINALLY realizes I am not fucking him even though I have said it over and over.

He gets snotty.  “We’re adults”.  “I haven’t had sex in 4 months and I wanted you to be the first.”  “Obviously we do not connect this way.” “I have had 50 opportunities to get laid in the last 4 months and I waited for you”.   The message is fuck me now or lose your chance.  There was no romance in the physical exchange and the words are said with a tone that implies I am disappointing.   My head is spinning.  Just like The Man.  Just like The Ex.  He is going to manipulate and guilt me until he gets what he wants.

And then the most telling:  “I don’t owe you anything and we could fuck and I could never call you again”.

Ding ding.  Or I could not fuck you and still never hear from you again.  Either way I am not going to be coerced into something.  Not when you have made almost no move to put me in the mood.

He does not want to be close, he wants to fuck.  It is a function, not something we are sharing or experiencing together.  I am a ride and he put his token in and he is not getting what he thinks he deserves.

What I wanted was to be close.  I wanted to feel some sort of intimacy. I wanted something that felt real.  I wanted his arms around me and matching our breathing while spooning.  And there was none of that.  Is it him?  Is it a product of the drug recovery?  Is he just a user and I was the choice for some fucked up reason?

I keep asking why me.  WHY ME?  He has 1000 facebook friends and 2000 people following him on his rapper page.  WHY ME?  Why waste the time on me?

He wanted me to text him when I got home.  I yelled at BFF the whole way home and did not feel it was necessary to text him anything.  He could have been cool and let me stay.  He could have done a hundred things that didn’t scream DICK.

Doogie Howser moment:  He just gave me the gift of knowing I escaped in 2010.  He would have ruined me back then.  I am stronger and way more sure of what I want, what I deserve and who I am.  I need to know sometimes you do not get what you want but what you need.


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