History – The Rapper

Below are all the posts from my old blog about the Rapper.  BMG.  It took me all day to realize it was Bathroom Makeout Guy.  Oy.

Here is what I remember – first date.  Truly drunk.  I leaned over and kissed his neck.  We made out in the bathroom of a dive bar.  We then went at it in my car and it was amazing.  I chose to not stay.

Second date was a half date and he got weird.

More details below but I know it totally ended when I was out at an event in SF with burlesque dancers and spoken word and I think I texted him and told him to fuck off because he should have been there with me – we would have enjoyed it.  And he had deleted my number or something because he essentially told me off after that.  Told me he would call the cops.  For a text message?  Motherfucker I am not stalking you.

Feb 21, 2010

The first m@tch date?  Wow.  He is 39, has the same taste in old rap as me and is so freaking cute.

Another drink and I may have just eloped with him last night, it was that good.

He texted me on my way home…”Um….so, chemistry, huh?”

Sigh.  Wow.

 ***************************************************

Feb 21, 2010

My faith has been restored.  I need to remember it IS about chemistry.  Chemistry and a shitload of booze.

After the Political Lecturer last week I was having a real “chat” with myself about maybe being too picky.  I was starting to think I was truly damaged.  Here is a perfectly good guy – well employed, attractive, attentive and into me – and I wasn’t interested.  The truth is my gut knows what my head cannot figure out.

I was not myself last night.  He did it right – we did not talk first.  There were a few emails and IM’s.  Added each other on f@ceb**k for a freak check.  I had absolutely no expectations of him or myself.  With the hot doctahh we had had some really good emails and phone conversations.  He kept telling me he was excited to meet me.  It was hard to live up to an expectation while keeping your own in check.

There were no expectations last night.  It might have lasted an hour.  It ended up lasting almost 6.

Here is the really horrifying and hilarious part – I remembered while drying my hair today.  Right after last call he pulled me into a dark bathroom and we made out against the wall.  THAT IS SO NOT ME!!!  But holy fuck was it fun and sorta hot.  He admits it was “tacky…but kinda hot”.  It has been a long time since I just let go.  It was a good feeling.  And I am not even feeling weird about it.  Again….so not me.

And I am fully aware I know almost nothing about this person and I have nothing other than last night.  But even if that is it….SO worth it.  So worth it to feel like that again.  Worth it to know I was 100% myself last night and someone was into it.  So worth it to know there might be others out there with my love of offbeat music and random shit.

I am allowing myself what I never do – excitement.  No second guessing.  I am just riding this out – whatever happens happens.

**********************************************

Feb 21, 2010

This one is not screwing around.  I got a text on my way home last night.  A few this morning, a few this afternoon.  He wanted to call later but I am going to bed.

So he wants to do something mellow tomorrow.

*************************************************

Feb 22 2010

So tonight was big date #2.

Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbt.

I bought beer because I hate going somewhere empty handed.  And brie and crackers.

He wanted to play scrabble.

He puts on a movie.  I am sort of confused.  He barely looks at me.  His hands are in his lap.  I am beating the crap out of his cat.

I finally say – you are quiet tonight.  He is sick.  I am like, ok, I will go.  Not yet, he says.

15  minutes later it is so obvious I need to leave.

He walks me to my car and asks me to text him when I get home.  Only my phone is dead.

So I send a f@ceb**k email.

He is now on f@ceb**k and not sending anything back.

Not sure what the hell happened.  I am not upset.  It is what it is.

*********************************************

Feb 26, 2010

One of my friends thinks I am cursed.

I am the only girl I know who consistently has boys eaten by zombies and disappear for what appears to be no reason at all.

She also thinks I may have a split personality that only comes out on dates and scares them away.

I promise I was not neurotic or bitchy or hard to handle with the last one.  Promise.  I was exactly how you are supposed to be when you meet someone you think you want to know better.  Not awkward.  But relaxed.  I was excited.  I was flirty but not trashy (except for the bathroom thing)

Another one gone.

I honestly, honestly have no idea what the hell happened.  I am bummed.  Probably less about it not working out than I am about being cursed.

What the fuck is wrong with me?  I mean there has to be something major that I just do not see, right?

*********************************************

Feb 27, 2010

I have always believed in a few simple things.  Thought out, long, wordy mantras do not work for me.  I like one word.

Timing.

Momentum.

Those are two I can think of.  Oh!

Vodka.  That is a good one!

And funny how all of these have to do with dating!

I did not hear from the BMG until last night.  I had to send another text and he responded that he was sick and had slept all day.  I offered to bring “stuff” should he need it.  No response.

This sucks.  Because it ruins the momentum that started with chemistry.  Changing the movement tends to make me turn into that neurotic girl I do not like being.  I am not there yet, but I can feel it creeping in.

And timing.  He is sick AND decided to give up smoking this week.  So he feels like shit from a virus and he feels like shit from withdrawal.  This means his body is not going to send all those lovely little hormones where they need to be so we can feel all excited and hot for each other.

I was bummed yesterday.  I was bummed that it was not turning out like I wanted it to.  And I do not mean in the “he is the one thing” I mean more of “I like how I am right now and I like how I feel and I want to explore this and I am in a place where that seems possible without sabotaging myself.”  That was wordy and retarded.  But I am running on fumes, so please forgive me for being less than succinct.

I’m torn.  Do I move forward?  I have possible plans (no dates but he will not know that) tonight and tomorrow.  Do I reach out to some other guys?  I can.  The only one I was interested is has had my number for 5 days and has not called…..so, I am not so into it now.  Do I chill out and wait?  Maybe. If I have not heard from him in some significant way by Saturday then I can assume it is over.

****************************************************

March 1 2010

I cannot stop thinking about him.  It does not help that his f@ceb**k is open and I *get* everything he says.  Hilarious.  He is performing.  I do the same.

What do I do?  I am not really ready to let it go.  But….uh….I have read “he is just not that into you”.

Fuck….did I overreact?  I don’t think so.  I did come home Friday and de-friend him (thank you vodka, I love you).

Part of me wants no regrets.  But I am not sure what that would entail.

Sigh.  I hate this fucking shit.  It makes me want to give up and just own single forever.

*****************************************************

March 9 2010

I won’t go into details but f@ce**k is the best stalking device ever.

Right as things fall apart with BMG, there was some Betty Paige type that is suddenly all over his fb.  I watched, because his page was open, even after I booted him from my page.  She was all over his shit.

And now?  2 weeks later?  She is gone.  Totally gone.

So, the moral of the story if regardless of how perfect he might have seemed?  He is the broken one, not me.

I am still bummed, but not as much.

****************************************************

March 15 2010

Turlie, a very good friend who can say anything to me and I will know it is with love and concern, says I need to “stop looking”.

And for the most part I agree.

The problem is I have not been looking for 36 years and it has gotten me almost nowhere.

I am not looking.  I am browsing.  But I am not trying to make every peg fit the hole (sounds dirty!!).  I have no agenda.  I am not in love with love.  I am not on a mission for marriage and babies.  I do not need a boyfriend to feel complete.  I don’t need a boyfriend an all.  I am ok if I end up alone forever, I would just prefer that not be the case.

Mostly this comes at a time when my friends no longer want to do much.  I am not going to meet someone at work, and I am not going to meet someone in a bar since I never go to them anymore, and I suck at being set up.  So, this is a form of entertainment.  I can go out, have a drink, maybe have a story to tell you the next day.

The biggest issue as I see it is that I do not want what other girls want.  I do not want to be taken care of – I want someone to have my back.  I don’t want the material items for they come and go.  I want a partner – in every sense of the word.  And I am open to what package that comes in.  And I am open to the concessions required of me when it is “right”.  Most guys have no idea what to do with me if I am not going to be impressed with their paycheck, vacation spot, job, watch or car.

Which is why I was thrown for such a loop when the first m@tch date I go on turns into perfection.

I had no idea someone could be such a good fit.  And I know that there are levels I did not see, but in 36 years of dating (ok…20 years?) that was in the top 3 of chemical reactions to another person.  The Hot Doctahh being one and some guy named Peter that I met when I was 24ish.  I think Peter wins the chemistry prize and BMG comes in second.

Funny enough – not one of those instances got to a third date. (That statement is going to haunt me for weeks)

Before that date, I was at a point of talking myself into settling.  I have written off men for more reasons than I can count.  And in an effort to not be alone forever I started thinking maybe I was the one who is all sorts of fucked up.  What was wrong with me that I prefer single to being spoiled?  That I cannot handle someone “showing off” with what they can provide for me?  What is my issue with being taken care of?  The thought of it creeps me out.

The Hot Doctahh said I thought I was cool.  And I did not agree.  But after a year of thinking about it, he is right.  Cool is not the right word – I want credit for my diverse knowledge and skill set.  I want someone who can appreciate that I can sing along to obscure hip hop from the mid-1990’s, know about art, can run my own business, and do not need them.  And I want to be understood.  I want someone to appreciate my quirks.  I want someone who “gets” me.

I have never wanted to be wanted for my looks or sex appeal.  I wanted to be wanted for my sense of humor, conversation, my brain, my music collection.  Whatever.  I want to be adored.  But only by someone I adore.  I want to be someone’s muse just as they inspire me.  I do not need the 2.25 kids and the picket fence if it means I am living the life I want to live with the person that truly, truly lights my fire.

So, no, I am not really looking.  My expectations are non existent.  Another reason I was so surprised.  Nothing about that evening was what I thought it was going to be.  And I loved that.  My mind is open.  There is no agenda.  I mean, I KNOW this is not how I am going to meet someone that sticks.  But what else do I have to do right now?

*******************************************************

March 21, 2010

I went on another date Friday.  LAME.  Went home and changed my profile adding in:

While I look all junior league and play at “suburbia” very well, there is an undercurrent that longs for different, more, change. I know all the dirty hip hop lyrics. I think that Buble guy is a hack. I like street art and Michelangelo’s David. I crave new experience.

and:

I am not looking for the norm. Conservative, buttoned up, proper – NOT gonna do it. I spend time with people who are interesting, say what they think, do what they want and could care less what “they” say. I am looking for that person who’s quirks make sense to me.

Wanna know why I changed it?

Well one was a date that was just not going to work.  He was a bit condescending and sort of a jackass.  The other is I read BMG’s profile which he has updated.

One line:

“I’m a contradiction in pretty much every way. Yeah, I have alot of tattoos, but I’m also very politically-minded”

Which is interesting as THIS is the email I sent 18 days ago:

“getting to know someone who is as much of a contradiction as I am (I mean tats and politics….really?)”

THEN?!  THEN?!  THEN?!  That motherfucker put on his f@ceb**k he is moving to OAKLAND.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??!!   Oakland is MY place.  That is where I want to move.  It is the first thing out of my fucking mouth.

THAT MOTHERFUCKER IS STEALING MY SHIT!!

So, I called him out on the profile.  I know he will not respond, but he needs to know I know he is stealing my shit.

****************************************

March 23:

BMG just called my cell.  I knew he would not know who sent him the text.  Asshat.

He did not leave a message.  Shocking.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s