Profound

When I met OK I had little interest (May 3 2014 after a wedding) .  He was good looking and an entrepreneur.  But once I got more details…..eh….He did not come across as very bright.

But yet we continued to text and we got on this talk about connection.  We both crave it and neither of us are finding it.

So, Thursday night (5/22) he starts texting me:

You know when we met I felt it

Felt what?

I felt you.  Your desires.  Maybe I’m wrong.  I wanted you, just never said it

I don’t really think this exchange is anything more than trying to see what I want from him.   There was no real flirting on our one date.  When we left he did try to keep me there with stupid little chat, but I was tired and wanted to go to bed.

Later he is asking me what I want:

I am at a place where I want real or I want to be alone.

We have that already you know

Now….these texts are all being sent when I am drunk and there is lots going on in the bar.  I get an invite to go to a strip club the next night.  I am swept off of my stool to dance to old motown records.  I am not taking this in.  None of it.  Not until right now.

This turns into sexting for days.  Non stop, hands in my pants, him sending dick pics…..it goes on.

Tonight we chatted on the phone.  It was ok.  Til the end.  And he starts to tell me that if we meet and we decide to fuck that it will be a long 2 day event.  I wish I had taken notes.  He tells me that he won’t cum.  He won’t come for days because as soon as he does it will be over.

First he wants to see me.  To watch me.  To see what doesn’t work.  To find the places that do and to build on it and show me what is possible until I literally cannot handle it any more.

“Most guys live up to what they say.  I am telling you half of what it will be.  I do not want to be forgotten.”

And I start to cry.  I cannot help it.  The speech, not told very well here, is moving.  But mostly I think he DOES see me.  The real me. And that is terrifying.  And I can know that he cannot know me and know that he does all at the same time.

While I do not think he is the brightest bulb on the tree, I think this is his gift.   He has told me is stilted terms he likes to make people feel good.  And I think he might be some sort of healer without knowing it.  He intuitively knows what you need and gives it to you.  He sees you.  All of you.  The good, the bad.  And he does it all anyway.  Because that is who he is.

And as we get off the phone he says “I want to tell you I love you, but we don’t even know each other”.  And I feel the same.  But I get it.  There is some weird connection.  And we may never be face to face and I might fucking die if I never get to kiss him.  Just once.

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