The end – The Shop Owner

While Saturday was amazing, the rest is not.

I just sent him:

In response to your last text – which I got as I was sitting down to lunch with people.  Really fun to hold myself together through that. I am finally home and I am shaky and miserable. :-/ I hate that the only contact I get is text or email. I would always prefer to see someone face to face – especially when there is an issue.  I do not react well to withdrawal of affection.  But I think in your heart you know that.  Hence the distance.
I got attached, too.  I think you might be perfect for me – not that you are everything I had on my list.  But lists do not matter when the important thing is how someone makes you feel, that undeniable chemistry.  And I love how I feel with you.  And I realize I am not perfect for you.  I wish I was.   I wish I could make you feel better.  I wish I could comfort you. Because when it comes down to it, I never want the one I care about to hurt.  I want to hurt for them.  I want you to be happy.  And to laugh and smile.  I wish, I wish, I wish…..
Below is what I wrote last night.  I am not sure I have told you that I write whenever I am upset….or excited….or have too much in my brain.   It gets it out of my brain for awhile.  Usually it helps me sleep – but not last night. I had thought I would send it to you later this week if things did not change.  And I see that they won’t.  You don’t seem to want to talk.  So….shrug…..I am not sure what else I can do.
I am going to give you what you seem to want – I will go away.  I realize that I am not worth even the small risk involved and that is your choice and I will respect it.  Goodbye,  my Shop Owner – as I had been referring to you to my friends.  It was almost perfect.  Thank you.
The Redhead
2/10/2014
Ever since Saturday I had been hoping to talk to you. But there never seems a good time as you seem too tired or irritated from work. So, I will send this and when/if you want to talk I am here.For the record Saturday was perfect. To be near you and have you touch me and I could touch you….it gave me hope. And god, I hate hope. She is the cruel little bitch in my life.I fell hard, too, Shop Owner.  I really cannot remember ever connecting with someone as much as I have with you. I am strangely comfortable and emotionally, physically and mentally excited when I am around you. I feel like you understand my quirky brain. Your face, your kiss, your eyes, your hands….I adore them. Everything feels right. Even on Saturday.  I could see good things for us in the future.  Like, fucking unbelievably good things.  We could maybe be those people – those really happy, really secure in our relationship, really rely on each other, really making everything work people.I feel like I am getting mixed messages. Please correct me if I am wrong. But Saturday is in direct conflict with your text messages which seem curt and perfunctory. It has not gone unnoticed that there has been not one word of affection from you. And I am reminded that you “mean what you say and say what you mean”. So I am left to believe you are back to really trying to put distance between us.

I am not trying to rush you on a decision. But you need to realize distance never works for me. I connect face to face. I need to touch someone to remain engaged. And as far as I am concerned if you want to get to know me better to make a decision, you can….[redacted]. The lack of any real communication doesn’t build trust with me. I need you to know I feel the distance. I heard your “don’t bother” when I offered to come over another night. Your “we’ll figure something out” when I asked if I was going to see you.

[redacted]

If you want me to go away, I will. I do not want to be an obligation. You owe me nothing. And I would never expect you to keep communicating just because you think you have to. You don’t have to keep up some facade if what you really want is a Redhead free life.

I hate that I’ve made you think about “us” when all we should be doing is feeling things. I really hate that I couldn’t be what you wanted. And I am sorry to throw a wrench in what was turning into an amazing romance. But it is what it is. If I could go back 20 years and change it, I would not be the same person standing here today.  And I like this version of me, she is perfectly imperfect.  She is fiercely loyal and surrounded by amazing people.  She loves really hard, works really hard, and has so much joy and laughter in her life.  She cherishes the small things and lives in awe of the world.  And I am not sure I would be half the person she is without this little disclosure.  So I choose to be grateful for it.  And I will be grateful I met you so I can be reminded that dynamic, handsome, smart, funny men still exist. Maybe one day I will find mine.

Know that I really, really miss you. Miss your face.  And those eyes. And hearing you speak.  And know that I want to know what you are thinking and feeling. Even if it hurts me. I’ll be ok. I can be really tough when I need to. 😉

The Redhead
Then a friend sends me this – which I realize is crap, but I need to focus on the doors opening in front of me, not the ones closing behind me.

Two Traveling Angels  ( this one will make you think twice!!!!! )Keep reading to the bottom of the page don’t stop at the feet (You’ll see).

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family.

The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion’s guest room.

Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement.

As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it.

When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, “Things aren’t always what they seem”

The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife.

After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night’s rest.

When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears.

Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.

The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you have let this happen?
The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused.

The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die..

“Things aren’t always what they seem,” the older angel replied.

“When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall.

Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn’t find it.”

“Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife I gave him the cow instead.

Things aren’t always what they seem.”

Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things  don’t turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every out come is always to your advantage. You just might not know it
until some time later…
                               Oooo
Some people           (    )
come into our lives   )  /
and quickly go..      (_ /

oooO
(    )       Some people
\  (        become friends
\_ )    and stay awhile…

leaving beautiful          Oooo
footprints on our         (    )
hearts…                      )  /
( _/

oooO
(    )      and we are
\  (          never
\_ )      quite the same
because we have
made a good
friend!!

Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow a mystery.
Today is a gift.
That’s why it’s called the present!

I think this is special…live and savor every
moment… This is not a dress rehearsal!

(\        /)
( \ __ / )
(  \()/  )
(  /   \  )    TAKE THIS LITTLE  ANGEL
( / \/ \ )   AND KEEP HER CLOSE TO YOU
/      \    SHE IS YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL
(        )    SENT TO WATCH OVER YOU
____

THIS IS A SPECIAL GUARDIAN ANGEL… YOU MUST PASS THIS ON TO 5 PEOPLE
WITHIN THE HOUR OF RECEIVING HER,

IF YOU HAVE PASSED HER ON, SHE WILL WATCH OVER YOU FOREVER….
IF NOT, HER TEARS WILL FLOW

Now don’t delete this message, because it comes from a very special
angel.

Right Now –

-somebody is thinking of you.
-somebody is caring about you.
-somebody misses you
-somebody wants to talk to you.
-somebody wants to be with you.
-somebody hopes you aren’t in trouble.
-somebody is thankful for the support you have provided.
-somebody wants to hold your hand.
-somebody hopes everything turns out all right.
-somebody wants you to be happy.
-somebody wants you to find him/her.
-somebody is celebrating your successes.
-somebody wants to give you a gift.
-somebody thinks that you ARE a gift.
-somebody loves you.
-somebody admires your strength.
-somebody is thinking of you and smiling.
-somebody wants to be your shoulder to cry on.

SOMEBODY NEEDS YOU TO SEND THIS TO THEM

Never take away anyone’s hope.  That may be all they have.

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