Clear visions of the past

Tuesday I was supposed to meet with FT.  I canceled in a fit of RAGING PMS Monday night, changed my mind Tuesday but he was no longer available.

Last night, I was out with M of my Threesome and her bf who had just sent us to get 2 hour massages (divine) and was now plying us with nachos and tequila.  He was pitching me 2 business ideas not knowing I used to work in venture capital (in a support role, but there were so few of us in the company I heard a lot).

Anyway, he moved on to questioning me on FT.  And I said I should stay away from FT.  And I could not articulate why, but it got me thinking.

And true to form, I can wake up in the morning and know “why”.

When he was getting a divorce and was caught up in a weird push/pull relationship with his new Latina girlfriend (this is important only in that he loves women from Central and South America – he finds them passionate) I ended up his consolation prize as that relationship was not working out. [I am a pale redhead.  Pretty much the opposite of what he wants]

When he was married he used to invite me down even though I knew his wife never wanted me there.

And now?  With the new young Daily Method gf, he still sees me on occasion even when it upsets her.

And this morning I realized I am a function to him.  I am the longstanding “friend” he will not give up.  I stand for his independence.  And I am what he uses to lightly threaten the women in his life.  He “might have options” he is telling them?  Or there are other women he can confide in?  Ones that might understand him?   Or he is telling them he cannot be controlled? v And they all react.  And he ignores it.

And it used to make me feel special.  But I have realized I am not special to him.   I serve a purpose.  And I need to be the one to stop it.  He will never be what I want him to be and I will never be enough for him.  Even if I was enough and he did want me, he would find another “me” to use for his purposes.  Maybe one not as solid in her morals and ethics (as I am not messing around with him. The women in his life are actually very safe when he is with me).

So.  I am staying away.  No more “I need to talk” emails.  No more, no more, no more.

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