Lack of forward motion

Written 9/9/13

I am home.  Just made lobster and am enjoying some wine on a warm evening.  A fire is burning not far away, eating up our mountain.  People have real problems and real celebrations tonight.  Not me, mind you.  I am just wallowing.

And I am alone.  Which is bittersweet.  I am too crabby to be with others but too sad to want to be this alone.

My ex (the one before The Man) has posted his wedding site.  Him and his hobbit bride.  Lame.com.  A guy I went out with 2 summers ago (a really gorgeous man) got married today.  And me?  I feel like I am being left behind again.

What is so wrong with me that I do not deserve to find someone?  Am I un-lovable?  I think it might be possible.  I might not be deserving enough to find my equal, someone who makes my life better (as I make theirs).

And I am trying really hard to be grateful right now.  Work is great.  I kept my house through a tough recession and even got a loan mod.  I have a career I am trying to take control of (finally).  I have great friends.  My life is good.  It is good.  It is.

 

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