Update

New beginnings.

The Man and I have had a tumultuous month or so.  Having him live here, rent free, while slowly destroying the house has been too much for me to handle.

He is a good person.  But he is a lot to take.  And I am very set in my ways.  And my ways are very solo.

It ended loudly last night.  Him.  Not me.  I was just done.  If you want this to continue get out.  If you want this not to continue – get out anyway.

**

In an effort to figure out what I want I went to see FT  (name from an old blog.  Short story -friends from the age of 23 or so.  He got married, had kids, separated, we started “dating” and then I found out some things I could not reconcile at the time and we parted ways.)

Still friends though.  And he knows me well.  And he always has insight that is fresh and accurate.

He hears my story and says “How can you respect a man who in living in your house for free?”  OMG.  He is right.  I have lost respect for The Man because he is not contributing while living here.  It is bullshit.  Had it been 2 weeks, it was not a big deal.  But 7?  That is almost 2 months.  2 months of water and electricity and mortgage and he has not paid ONE DIME.

So he tells me I do not need someone to support me financially (although in truth, I do need someone with a career and upward mobility or something of the sort), but someone to make me feel pretty.

I emailed this to The Man on 8/11 “How do I think I should feel in a relationship?   Safe.  Cared for.  Pretty.  Desired.  Supported.  Challenged.  Intellectually stimulated.  Cherished.”

No one else in this entire world knows I would like someone to find me pretty.  I do not consider myself pretty.  Attractive in a certain way, but I have never been the pretty girl.  I was the snarky fun girl.  And it is very important that the person who loves me finds me uniquely beautiful if only because they see the real me.

So he says this as we get in the car for the 3 minute drive to his house and by the time we get there I am crying.  Because he knows.  And The Man does not.  Even when I have told him.

He lets me cry for a moment and hugs me after I get out of the car.  He has to go meet his gold digging girlfriend for dinner.

He says I will see him next Wed, no matter what.  We will see.

Regardless, he has started me thinking that I deserve more.  I have thought a lot about what I think I deserve.  And The Man might be able to provide a lot of it, but he does not seem willing.

**

So, for now, it is just me, in my small house with my cats.  No drama.  No one else.  Quiet.  Just the way I need it to be.april 2013

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