I should be drying my hair.
The last post (that I just made public) was almost 2 weeks ago. Things are better. He finally gets it. I have had to have a few meltdowns to get him to understand but I think he gets it.
And he is still here. The dog goes to work with him now. And he spent 4 days in a kennel giving me a break I really needed.
Things are actually pretty good. In a major fit of PMS I might have had a breakdown this weekend when he told my best gf he really liked her dress. Meanwhile I have a new dress, new jewelry, fantastic hair and get no real comment.
Exhaustion and hormones made me ask him if I am really what he wants? Or does he want someone more like my gf who molds herself into what her partner wants? Someone who will adore him and not ask questions? Someone who wants him more than anything in the world? Because that is not me. I want “us”, not him.
Anyway, this got me thinking at work the next day about what I want. He keeps saying I am holding back. He says I pick a fight the moment things go too well for awhile. And he might be right. What do *I* want?
Am I afraid of locking myself into something? Am I concentrating on the bad more than the good? Do I want different?
I think we need to have a talk. And I just do not know when. I wanted to chat last night but he had some things he needed to do for his mother. Tonight is his night out and tomorrow in the anniversary of his grandfathers death (the man who raised him) and will be an emotional fuck all.
The ex is engaged. Snort. Info just finds me.