I went to see my ADD therapist today. I had made the appointment because I wanted to talk about The Man moving in. I was hesitant but wishy washy. Because I selfishly did not want him to get in a 12 month lease either.
My issues were:
1) The drinking
2) The lack of communication about the move. He just sort of assumed he would move in.
But then we broke up Tuesday night. I kept the appointment. I went with a list:
My issues with him: Drinking, That Aggressive Alpha Male he is 15% of the time, His Judgement/Tone, and His Lack of Respect for Authority.
His issues with me: I do not make him the most important thing in my life, Leaving or asking him to leave in a fight.
He is super smart. He has a great memory. I am smart. My memory sucks. And I am not good at fighting. The therapist said that his memory and my lack of one creates self doubt in me. She is right. The reason I am here is for the unemotional sounding board. I need to be confident in my decision. And KNOW what I want.
Mostly we talked about the drinking:
- His drinking makes me feel unsafe. Not in a physical way necessarily, but not safe. I grew up in a house without comfort (and they drank). And I seem to be repeating that right now.
- He drinks to dull emotions. So I am probably rarely dealing with the real him.
- I am changing my behavior, going out of my way, doing things so as not to provoke him. To me, this is bordering on abuse when I am trying to make things work for him so he will not pop off for some reason. And the popping off can be simple like being rude to a server on a Saturday morning at a busy breakfast place. But that popping off bothers me to no end. And he does not care if he makes me feel uncomfortable.
- I am now monitoring his drinks and mood. I am a drinker. I mostly can handle my liquor. But I find myself watching his eyes and listening to his mouth so I can gauge how much he has had. I do not want to babysit someone and their drinking. That is bullshit. I am too freaking old.
- She called some of his behavior manipulating
- Her advice 30 minutes in was to not fight for this one. She says we can deal with his middle child mommy didn’t love me enough, daddy left issues but we cannot fix this. There is no dealing with it. Live with it or don’t. But you cannot manage it for him. So I opted to bail
- She believes in 1,2,3 time – meaning 1 time is your alone time, and 2 time is your time with your partner and 3 time is you, your partner and others. He made me feel guilty for telling him I want alone time. Or time with my friends.
I am sure there is more. I will update as things come to me. I wish I had recorded it.
Anyway, I had contacted him this morning as it is his bday. And he was curt. He knew I was going to see the therapist. And once I left I felt SO GOOD about it. I decided to not call him. He knows. If he is curoius he can call me.
I have drafted a little something to say:
I adore you. And I always will. But, you and I approach lots of things in different ways. And after much thought I need to step away. This is not how I see my life and I would not even attempt to change you. I do wish you the best.
We had drafted it that we deal with alcohol differently, but I do not even want to go there. I am just going to let him go. I might run into him tomorrow at a party. I sort of hope not. But I have one more item to return to him, so I will leave it there.