I recently changed my fb profile pic to one of me and The Man. A big deal for me as I am not one to announce things. I have lots of clients on my page I do not like to advertise my dating life and create an opportunity for questions when something changes.
I changed it on June 10.
Now, my ex has blocked me on fb. Which really just makes me all the more curious. But you know you can set up a fake account right? Add some foreign friends. And viola! While you cannot get into their profiles you can see enough these days, right?
I did not block him. I did not feel it was necessary as my life is awesome, my page is pretty locked down and anyone looking will only see a fabulous pic of me.
So imagine my surprise when 3 days later Ex pulls his page down. Now, he did this once when we were dating and it was in the middle of us having a fight and him thinking we would break up. So, while it might not be related to me (and The Man accuses me of thinking everything revolves around me) it certainly looks as if he is having issues about SOMETHING. He is an emotional guy and reacts like a teenage girl a lot of the time, so this really sounds like one of his meltdowns.
So, speaking of the man. I posted this weekend about how we got back on track. Then everything derailed on Sunday. He leaves to go to Home Depot which is maybe a 3 minute drive. When an hour went by I knew he had gone elsewhere. The bar I assume.
Now, let me state I am a drinker. I love a cocktail. But my main problem with him is his drinking. He drinks fast. He drinks almost daily. And I cannot say it is not in the back of my head that he is a possible alcoholic. What I DO NOT want to do is be someone’s liquor monitor. I want an adult that can handle his booze. Someone who can realize when they might need to slow down or cut back or that it is ok to let loose that night.
He comes home after being gone for longer than he should, about 20 minutes before we are supposed to head to my parents for Father’s Day dinner. I can tell by his voice he has been drinking. And not just a beer or two.
I lose my shit. “I am going to assume the reason you did not tell me you were going to the bar is you knew it would annoy me. I do not understand why you are sabotaging this. It is NOT ok to go to my parents house half in the bag. All this says to me is you want booze more than you want me.”.
He counters with some lame responses about my parents being drinkers anyway. He really has no other reason and I leave without him. Everything in me is screaming end this now. He is everything you fear and end it now.
He texts me asking me if he should leave and I do not respond as I want to think. I turn the ringer off and the phone away and I enjoy some time with my parents.
Later, when checking the phone it all becomes clear – this is his first Father’s Day without his grandfather who was the father figure in his life and remains his idol and the man he can never live up to.
So, now I am the asshole?
I do not hurry home, but I do not dilly dally either. I come home to a gruff man’s man in my bed with tears streaming down his face.
All I can do is hold him. We spend hours like this. He talks about his grandfather. He talks about his childhood. I do not say much. I have been accused of “not knowing him at all” since I did not pick up on this earlier in the day/week. I counter with I cannot read your mind.
He gets up at one point and comes back into the room to curl his head into my breast and tells me he is sorry he did not share he was hurting and that he let me down. He leaves tears on my boobs.
He later stated maybe a lot of the issues from this week were because he did not realize this was affecting him. And maybe that is it. Maybe it isn’t. Maybe we are two passionate people who are looking for the other to hurt or abandon the other.
For the time being, I am still watching. He wants me to surrender into this relationship and this is why I just can’t.