He emails me from the middle of the state – far from me. I know nothing of the town except there is a prison there. I notice the short hair cut and assume prison guard and make a snarky response about him emailing me from jail. He responds. And so begins one of the most interesting months of my life.
We quickly go to text where his name comes through on my paid for caller ID. Without using names (and I so, so, so want to use names) let’s say it comes across like Tony Tiger (only better) and he sends me this photo of his shirtless self – abs for days.
My immediate reaction is NOPE. Never ever getting naked next to those abs. And that the name and the abs probably mean I am getting catfished. The name and abs scream porn star and if nothing else, I have an excellent story brewing.
To make a long, long story shorter I learn he is in the military. Has advanced degrees. Went to West Point. [Most of this info google verified, so I was not getting catfished] So out of my league. But we keep chatting. We talk on the phone multiple times a day. It feels really good to connect with someone like that.
And I do that thing I never, ever do. I get excited to meet him. I feel barfy when I talk about him. I worry I will not be skinny enough, pretty enough, typical insecure girl bullshit. But I tell myself the connection is real and I cannot control the rest of it right now.
And then 2 days before we are supposed to meet he gets distant. The tempo in the communication changes.
And he suddenly realizes if we like each other we are far apart – something I have brought up multiple times – and he bails.
And I am crushed. Mostly I am pissed at myself for hoping and wishing and dreaming I might find someone dynamic and smart. Secretly wishing he might get a little dad bod going on because I could not keep up with the fitness levels.
And I am crushed because I know these connections are not common. To meet someone who gets you is rare. And knowing this happens to me only….once every other year or so? And from the H site? Now I truly feel sick.
I am trying to comfort myself by acknowledging my business is too crazy for me to leave on weekends, and that we hadn’t even met yet so he might not have even liked me, and that he might have been a shitty kisser with a super small ‘ween. [He totally has micro-penis right?] So far it is not working.
So I am just going to sit with the pain as it allows me to accept that part of me that is lonely and really does want to be loved for who I am. I ignore those feelings a lot…the fear I am unlovable. And I am going to learn from this that Mr. Amazing might be around the next corner and I need to get my body to a place where I am comfortable with it (10 lbs and more frequent gym visits would do the trick – nothing major).
Maybe a trip to the woo woo is needed. I am going to make $40K in the next month but do not have a ton of cash on hand right now.