Abs McFlurry

He emails me from the middle of the state – far from me.  I know nothing of the town except there is a prison there.  I notice the short hair cut and assume prison guard and make a snarky response about him emailing me from jail.  He responds.  And so begins one of the most interesting months of my life.

We quickly go to text where his name comes through on my paid for caller ID.  Without using names (and I so, so, so want to use names) let’s say it comes across like Tony Tiger (only better) and he sends me this photo of his shirtless self – abs for days.

My immediate reaction is NOPE.  Never ever getting naked next to those abs.  And that the name and the abs probably mean I am getting catfished.  The name and abs scream porn star and if nothing else, I have an excellent story brewing.

To make a long, long story shorter I learn he is in the military.  Has advanced degrees.  Went to West Point.  [Most of this info google verified, so I was not getting catfished]  So out of my league.  But we keep chatting.  We talk on the phone multiple times a day.  It feels really good to connect with someone like that.

And I do that thing I never, ever do.  I get excited to meet him.  I feel barfy when I talk about him.   I worry I will not be skinny enough, pretty enough, typical insecure girl bullshit.  But I tell myself the connection is real and I cannot control the rest of it right now.

And then 2 days before we are supposed to meet he gets distant.  The tempo in the communication changes.

And he suddenly realizes if we like each other we are far apart – something I have  brought up multiple times – and he bails.

And I am crushed.  Mostly I am pissed at myself for hoping and wishing and dreaming I might find someone dynamic and smart.  Secretly wishing he might get a little dad bod going on because I could not keep up with the fitness levels.

And I am crushed because I know these connections are not common.  To meet someone who gets you is rare.  And knowing this happens to me only….once every other year or so?  And from the H site?  Now I truly feel sick.

I am trying to comfort myself by acknowledging my business is too crazy for me to leave on weekends, and that we hadn’t even met yet so he might not have even liked me, and that he might have been a shitty kisser with a super small ‘ween.  [He totally has micro-penis right?]  So far it is not working.

So I am just going to sit with the pain as it allows me to accept that part of me that is lonely and really does want to be loved for who I am.  I ignore those feelings a lot…the fear I am unlovable.   And I am going to learn from this that Mr. Amazing might be around the next corner and I need to get my body to a place where I am comfortable with it (10 lbs and more frequent gym visits would do the trick – nothing major).

Maybe a trip to the woo woo is needed.  I am going to make $40K in the next month but do not have a ton of cash on hand right now.

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Asking for what you want

I have never been good about stating my own needs.  Until I found fetlife.  Because I could type out what I wanted.

This is not my first excursion into kinky sex.  But this is the first time I am asking for what I really really want.

I am busy.  Over worked and stressed.  And I want release.  So I asked to be a pillow princess.  No reciprocation.  I want to lie there and enjoy.  I want to be massaged and caressed and nibbled and licked and fingered.

And I got it.

He did something amazing.  He laid his head against one leg, with his face very near my pussy.  And with one very wet finger he just stroked my clit.  Forever.  And if I could have that every day my life would be complete.  It was calming exctasy.  It did not make me cum, although if I directed more it may have.  But it just put me into a relaxed state of bliss.

I may never see him again but oh how I loved it.  I am still throbbing from it.

2015 to 2016

Does anyone else look back at who they were 12 short months ago and wonder who that person is?  What a year!  I am amazed that I can experience the best year of real estate I have ever had (like a good 2X better than the last best year) and at the same time have my body completely shut down on me. I can experience such deep connections with some people in my life while realizing I have to let others go.  I learned such amazing lessons this year in every area of my life – about trust in other people, trusting the outcome, trusting the path will show itself, trusting in karma, and most importantly trusting myself.  2016, for me, will be about balance, connecting on a deeper level with those I love, creating new relationships with people on my same path, and continuing to grow my business.  Cheers, 2016, I am ready for you!

I would have posted this to FB but it will not let me copy and paste from an outside document. Let’s assume that means it is not meant for pubic consumption by my friends.

Maybe this can be my best selling book?

I felt good for quite  a few months.  Well, maybe not good.  But better.  The hippy doc vitamins were working.

But this month they failed me big time.

I missed another period.  I am a raging pile of angst and tears and anger and depression.  I am no fun.

I am not me.

But I am hell bent on getting back there.  Fake hormones, antidepressants….I do not care.  I want to feel better because this sucks ass.

When I come out the other side maybe it will be a good enough story for a book.  Haha!

42

In an hour and 15 minutes I turn 42.  I’d be 3 hours younger if I were home.

I’ve made my bday private on fb.  I expect to hear from 3 people.  And if I don’t, that is ok.

It isn’t often you realize how alone you are.  And I guess that is ok too.  I am lonely and that is not ok.  

This  year brought me the failure of my body and if I take anything from 41 it has to be to take better care of me.  That starts the moment I get home.

It brought me clarity on my friendships and realizing who cares about me and who cares about what I can do for them.

A good year.  Not a great year.  I want to make 42 a better year.

 

Advice for my younger self

I am on a little jaunt of self discovery today.  Or….I am thinking about discovering some self. It feels good.  I feel ready for growth.

I am reading and popping around the internet and I see an author writing some advice to their younger self. And I wonder what would I tell me from the advanced age of almost 42?

Sex:  Have more of it.  Be more open.  Less worried about what it means (to you and about you).  Experiment.

Body:  Love it.  It is all you have.  It will never be perfect but it will be perfectly you and others will love it just as it is.

Love: Seek it out.  Be open.  Take what love is given to you and return it in the best way you can.

Go to college.  Use a condom.  Ask more questions.  Take your health seriously.  Find things you love and let them enrich your life.  Do not be afraid to trust.  Or be hurt.  It will happen anyway.  And it is not a reflection on you.

Perfect does not exist.  Stop striving for it.  Stop taking everything as a criticism.  It is an opinion.  Grow.  Learn.  Make more mistakes.

Believe.  That you are beautiful and worthy and lovable. In miracles and good things.

Let things go.  Not everything is meant to be forever and that is ok.  Wish it well and move on.  Continue on your own path.

And no matter what know you will be ok.  You are a survivor.  And you will always find a way.

Finding center

I think my 2016 resolution needs to be to stop with the FB stalking.  Delete all the links, the bookmarks and just not give  a fuck anymore.

**

Ex bf posted a shirtless pic of himself.  WTF?  Too old. Not hot enough.  And who works out in jeans?

**

Tattoo Exec is def friends with the gf again.  And it makes it easier to let it all go.  If he wants to be friends with that mess (or more than friends) and not someone like me then he is not someone I need in my life.

**

I had a date last night with a the Engineer Biz Exec.  48.  Bald.  5’11 (heh….I am not so convinced).  Owns a home (finally).

We had a good phone convo this week.  But he told be about all the of “beautiful” women he has been out with.  So he is surfacey.  Which is so not me.

We met after his xmas party and an ugly sweater party I was attending. He was sort of a dick.  Very brusque.  Talked about being a hardass at work too much.  Told me the same stories of how many eligible women were not on M@tch (very engineer like, data mining, stats, etc.)  Asked me multiple times what I was doing this weekend but did not want to make plans.  He had half a glass of wine which was lame.  I had a glass of sparkling.  So we were out for an hour.

He wants one of those gals who look amazing and get the rich husbands.  He wants a trophy wife.  Except he does not want to be used for his money.  He wants the smart trophy wife with a career.  A good career.  Snort.  Good luck with that.  I am sure they exist but I am not sure how many he will find.

Walked me to my car and was totally checking out my ass when I was opening the door. Whatever.

I did not look up his house or how much he paid or who his agent was.  Yay me.  No stalking!

**

Sigh….yeah, maybe it is time to delete it all.  The thing is none of it makes me feel better.  So fuck it.  Let it all go.  Let them all go.

Misery

How does one become happy when they are not feeling it?

I am lonely yet annoyed with most people.  I am looking for someone to fill the hole and I know no one can. *I* have to fill the holes.  I have to make myself feel better.

Ugh.  Meditation?  Journaling gratitudes?

**

Air from the Tattoo exec.  I am 99% sure his ex gf is back on his FB.  He is all over someone else’s page.

I need to let that go.  The timing was not right so it is not right.  Move on.

**

The heart RN is AWOL.

And there is no one else.

I need to meet new people.

A little more….

The Ex BF….

He met someone quickly after we broke up.  And married her.

Looks like they are splitting up as well.

Damn.  Maybe I am better off being single.

**

Actually, in looking again, she changed her name back to her maiden name.  So….yeah.

He contacted me through Linked in like a year ago.  And I sooooo wanted to send him a response that said “Sorry your marriage is in trouble.  Right before we broke up you went to Vegas to make up with your ex-wife. Seems you have a pattern.”

SO WISH I HAD!!

More internet stalking

Let’s bring this full circle…..

When I realized the Tattoo Exec was a little bit of a hypocrite last year, I figured out who she was. This bartender was petite and looked to be a lot of fun – always out drinking and such.  But I knew he wanted (or so he said, we all say we want one thing and then go for the opposite) someone with their shit together.  He did not want someone tattooed and rockabilly and whatever.  He wanted a career woman.

So, as I am pretty good at this (how can I turn this into a business??) I knew when they broke up.  Or within a few weeks.  It is easy with her because this bitch changes her profile pic every freaking day.  And until recently had an open page.

What he told me when I saw him last week was that he knocked someone up.  I assume it was her.  Though I could be wrong.

I have continued to watch her show because I can.  So they (TE and this gal) broke up sometime in late Feb or early March.  I guess there is ample time in there to knock someone else up but I do not know of any other women, so in MY head it it her.

She meets new guy in March (or they reconnect. Potentially they know each other from school).  They are engaged in August.  I had noticed the “engaged to” has disappeared from their pages in the last month.  She posts a pic with another dude (not touching him, but odd).  But they got a dog together.  She has shut her page down recently.  He has shut down his instagram.  Can anyone else smell the drama??

New guy was out of town for a few days and then this happens…..

He (her fiance)  just posted a photo and tagged her.  It has little plastic baggies (at least 7), a spoon, a credit card, a bart ticket.  “It’s funny when drug users make different excuses for why what doesn’t work… Always not them… Your failed experiences is due to your lack of growing up…. Take responsibility for your party lifestyle.. If I wanted a party girl I’d revert back to my 30’s”

Now, I do not know enough about drugs to know if that is coke, heroin, meth?  I have no idea.  I am soooo straight.

New guy outed her on FB??!!  WHAT THE HELL?!  He has over 2500 friends.  Wow.

I mean good for him for being strong about it. This guy seems solid.  Seems to have his head on straight.

I am gonna grab some popcorn and watch the shit show!!

**

UPDATE:  The comments continue.  Apparently her mother came by to clean up the evidence??  And someone asked what the spoon was for and he said “You know what it is for”…..!!! Does that mean they were shooting something?  OMG I am sooo out of the loop on this type of thing.

UPDATE 2: The post is gone.  A few people told him it should be private and they knew he was heartbroken and hurting but it was not appropriate on FB.  He noted “But it is ok for her to do it?” I assume meaning she is blasting him on FB but it is private.   He confirmed it ended over drugs.  But also some comment about counting bags?  So he is a dealer?  Because if he is, or if he uses AT ALL then he is a hypocrite as well.  I mean cummon.

Well now how am I going to entertain myself today……